Common Sense

People need common sense in their life. And as my dad always said, the best way to approach or handle any kind of situation is by diplomacy. Said the shittiest things in the nicest way. Practically, I'm one of them who used this kind of approach. I know, not all of us out there were blessed by an understanding, superb, brilliant, not-afraid-to-show-their-love dad, and I'm reallyyy glad that I have one.

Well, I'm not practically bragging my dad here. The point is, if you wanna say something that is not quite hearable, do it nicely. In the nicest way possible. Super-brilliant-genius people will get your deepest point. I do. I can always get the hidden point. But just do it nicely, with nice word.

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HER

She is Maimunah Binti Abd Rahman, a petit, cute, dark women with a very strong personality that no one that I’ve known had the same personality as she does. As what I’ve been told since I was a little, she worked as a nurse in government hospital. She knew how to handle every difficulties or things that we as normal people are mostly didn’t want to do it. It’s the nurse thing.

Sometimes, I tend to think, how many grateful patients that she had helped, how many babies that she had helped to deliver and how many bodies that she used to bathe when a death occur. I don’t think that one of us had ever thought of that before. We just knew that she helped so many people, had give out all her strengths to do whatever it takes for a person to survive. And how many love that she has ever showered us as her children, grandchildren and her great grandchildren. Still didn’t count of what she had done to her relatives and most importantly, her parents. No one, I mean us as the second next generation of her had barely thought of that.

I wished that I could go through her heart, and sees what she actually feels. Faces sometimes can bring a different meaning to us. Maybe we are interpreting it wrongly. Or maybe right. As far as I know, she had three children, two guys and a lady. I shouldn’t be using boys and girls as always cause they are my uncles and aunt, literally. The first son and second daughter, was from her first marriage with a white man, if I’m not mistaken. The last son is from her second marriage with a local guy, if I’m not mistaken as well.

All that I can see is that, she had been through a really, really hard life. I don’t know where it went wrong, cause she is such a patient and loving lady. Although that maybe people could get the wrong idea about the way she talked, I mean the intonation used, but still she is a wonderful person to be with. And yet, someone that can easy to be manipulated with. I’m not just saying like saying the saying, I’m saying this because I saw it myself. I saw and I knew it right there and then when she’s already been manipulated. Somehow, it is easy to see and detect our old folks’ expression when we talked to them. Os maybe it is just a symptom that everyone could get when we reached our golden age. Maybe.

Seriously, I don’t know much about her past lives. I just wrote things that I may know or wrongly  known about her. All I know is that she is among the persons who had babysit me during my childhood, helped my mother a lot during and after her pregnancy, and not just pregnancy. Anything that she could help, she’ll gladly do it. That is what I can assure you. And now, she is gone. How irony it is when you always helped people to survive their lives from death and now, you’re one of the gone people. But I guess, the irony word can be an exception, as death waits all the living things. Everyone will die. That’s for sure. That is what had been written in the Holy Quran. One among of all Allah’s promises to us.

AL-FATIHAH FOR ALLAHYARHAMAH MAIMUNAH ABD RAHMAN.

BISMILLAHHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM

ALHAMDULILLAHIRABBIL ‘ALAMIN

ARRAHMANIRRAHIM

MALIKIYAUMIDDIN

IYYA KANA’ BUDUWA IYYA KANASTA ‘IN

IHDINASHIRATHAL MUSTAQIM

SHIRATHALLAZI NA AN’AM TA ‘ALAIHIM

GHAIRIL MAGHDU BI ‘ALAI HIM

WALADDHAALLIN.

The State of Denial

Right now, at this very moment and moments before this, I think that I’ve been living in the state of denial for a long time. Something just hit me and said, yeah, I’ve been denying the truth that I felt for a very long time. That is why some unexplainable things happened to me and yet I didn’t have any clue or answers to that. As my neurons keep on running fast, it hit me. I’ve always deny what I truly feels. I’ve never said what I really felt. I’ve always said things that are nice to hear to everybody, just to make them feel satisfied with me. The truth hurts, and not all of us can bear the hurts. Thus, I keep on denying, lying just to comfort the hearts of whom I loved. Tell me who’s to be blamed?

I used to blame myself for all the wrong things that happened to me. We’ve always been told that the inner self of us is the one who always making the wrong choices, gave the wrong clue. But really, what leads us to the clue that had been given out by our inner self? I dare to say that the systems built by our so-called-ancestors that had made us this way. They created our personalities, made us works or acts like the systems wanted to. We are actually the person with personality who had been created to do as they guided. All those Be Yourself, You Have The Right In Everything are bullshits.

When we think back, we have so much laws made up that is beautiful and sounded really logic and could make us the commoners win any situations, but yet, why are we still didn’t really win although the laws that made up by oldies are to be on our sides? Why can’t people deserve the same treats when they entered stores? Why we didn’t get the same services just because we are younger? And why we have to accept everything that the oldies told us to do despite letting us create something new and fresh to the world? Why do we have to stick to something that is already out of date? If I give you a fresh brewed cup of coffee and another cup of outdated coffee, which one you’d rather choose? Everyone would choose the fresh brewed one. It is the nature law. And yet, what are we still doing now? Keeps on voting the oldies who had been ruling the nation for decades and nothing much had been done really except for the monuments, tall buildings, tarred roads, exclusive clubs instead of jobs supply, students’ interests, and open-minded citizen who can criticize directly if their rulers done something wrong.

Unlike now, the upper people can do anything and keeps the media shuts about it but let them spread all those non-knowledgeable things to the citizens. I mean Hey, gimme a break man! Stop feeding us with all those craps. I don’t mind voting for the party, but please, let someone who actually does the work holds the title. The one who really deserves it. 

I used to deny this thing when somebody does made a real argument with me that kept me awake till 3a.m. But now, I totally get what the person meant by that. Now I really get the person’s thought. That’s genius and critics too. Damn, it took me about a year to really digest what he said. I wanted to stop on denying. But the systems made up would never let me do it. It can never make anyone else do it too. Keep on doing the things that you’re made up to do it everyone. We’re getting great at it day by day and yet, less knowing the truth of us. Denying rules!

The Inside or The Outside?

A hanging, never ending question, for me. the question of either I'm better on my outside, or am I better on the inside. I think I knew the answer, but sometimes I'm clueless, totally. at times, I get a hint. but at times, I lose it all. my heart keeps on pounding. it's pounding like crazy whenever the questions hit me. those hitting made me realize that I may be proud of myself, or I just being scared or timid. hands are on my chin, cramp in my shoulder, the cold that surrounded me at this late night. what could possibly be more about the inside is having a higher percentage than the outside? or am I just scored high in the outside, but getting the least mark in the inside? what did I get actually?

I'm feeling like trying to reach the last monkey bars that hanging way far from the ground, but out of no where, I lost my grip and almost fall. luckily my second hand keeps on holding to the old previous bars. that keeps me hanging for a while. then I try to rebalanced my body, pushing it up towards the bars, so that the first hand could reach again. don't try to think of any resemblance of my story to anything that you could possibly be thinking, cause what are on your mind is only the possibilities. you won't now it for sure. even I didn't know what are the resemblance towards my words. I just write what I do felt at the moment I jot it down. it is my hands that done the writing, while my mind runs a wild imagination at the same time.

Don't think, just read.

Been In Silence

Silence is good though. I didn't get it why certain people had to scream in their lives. is it for the attention? maybe, perhaps. well, I'm not writing today just to give the definition of silence to you. I just wanted to tell you that silence is great, not good, but Great. and I felt ashamed when I recall back my memories on the old me. the child me. the innocent me. I used to scream and shout when I speaks. I used to think that it is cool tho. ask anybody about me, they'll say that I'ma rough person. that is who I used to be. ohh, you can't ask, cause you don't even know who's speaking behind this Oda Narwida's name. HAHA. too bad. Sapa taw, Dia taw laa-cyra( love it when she say this word.the intonation)

Recently, I prefer to listen to slow, relax melody with a strong grip of lyrics. and I noticed, since that, I became someone who rarely speaks loud and proud. I became someone who rather shuts my mouth than giving out my opinions, my says. I do give my says, only if things really don't go my way. and my silence for this few months are caused by lots of unexpected things that happened to me. there's no need to tell it here. this isn't a private diary that I would write about my daily life. I've promised myself that I'll only write my opinion here, my says, my point of view, my thoughts, my wisdom(cehh :p) All of that, except my private activities. feelings aren't included in activities, so yes. I might write down on how I feel on certain issues.

Back to silence. I think I wanted to try new things that I never ever encountered before, that is being a total silent person. it's damn hard by the way. I'm not a silent type. but I guess, I'ma person who can do anything either I have the will or not on doing it. the main thing is, to have guts or trust or believes that you can do it, even if its below 10%. Radiohead is such a big impact on me. the lyrics, made me feel like I'm in my own world. the silence world that I never entered before. the silence that I've been craving for without I'm noticing it. have you played the swinging thing in funfair, that swing you high up in the sky? I have. and you wanted to know what I really felt at that moment? the moment when it reaches it highest point and it feels like it paused for a while before swinging down back to the ground. I'm talking about that point, the paused feelings that you encountered. there's no scared over there, there's no fun over there. there's a peace and silence moment that I felt. the feelings of relieves when you found your lost thing. the feelings that made you wanna close your eyes and says "This is it" . I felt that by silence.

I may be a loud person, but when I remain in silence, I'm being a complete, total me. I'm high in my own world. it could be bad or it could be good. I didn't even know which one is when I'm encountering that feelings. and yes, now I do believe in the saying of Silence is Good. where did I get that, please don't ask me. just making it up, since I don't remember the real phrase is.