What I wanted to be? about me
What should I be? about my parents
What am I going to be? about what I decided
Three simple questions that running into my mind when I’m questioning which way should I follow or go through. First question; what I really wanted to be is a 100% differs from what my parents want me to be, which is directly explained the second question. And for the third question; just simply what I will choose in order to satisfy both sides; mine and my parents/family/society.
I wanted a lot of things that most of it completely against my parents’ wishes, which they said it is what the religion told us. At the same time, they wanted me to be everything and all the things that they said had been told to do in my religion. Yes, they are religious persons and a bit conservative for me, who now had changed more towards liberalization. To make it more complicated, they also wanted me to do things in my own way, while following the path. What if some of things that I wanted to do does not follow that path? Now here, the first question and the second question are having a conflict. Things I wanted to do vs things I should do. Then, what will I choose?
I know one of the reasons I’m pretty much whining recently is because I’m too tired of fulfilling both needs and wants. In front of my parents, I will do all things according to their ways. But whenever I’m not with them, I’ll be doing things I’ve always wanted to do. The problems and tiring feelings are there because I never stop questioning myself whether I’m doing the right things or am I doing it else way. Hard questions always popped into my head and made me think and think, non-stop.
When I don’t fulfill my wants, I’ll feel like I’m not being true enough to myself, feels like I’m abandoning the inner me, feels like I’m such a hypocrite, not real enough, not being me. But then, when I don’t fulfill my parents’ wants, I feel like I’m being an ungrateful child. Like I’m devastating them with my delinquent acts, like I’m the most bad-good-for-nothing-child. Like I don’t deserve them at all.
And whenever I’m trying to answer by doing some action regarding my answer towards the third question, I’ll be questioning myself with the first and second question all over again. See how tired I am? I’ve try to stop on thinking for a while, but it didn’t work out for me. I’m thinking every single moment that I’m awake. If there is pen and paper, I’ll jot it down immediately. If my laptop is on, I’ll write it down on words or notes quickly before the idea lose. Friends often called as crazy, weird and unpredictable. And yes sometimes, even I’m confused with myself. Then I’ll Istighfar.