TERHARU, YA AKU TERHARU

Aku tidak pernah menyangkakan bahawa ada orang yang menghargai dan menyukai tulisan dan nukilan aku di blog ini. aku sendiri merahsiakan identitiku di sini kerana, aku rasa biarlah begini. aku rasa aku lebih selesa senyap begini. aku rasa lebih tenang. perasaan damai yang aku alami kala menulis tanpa diperhatikan, tanpa diketahui siapa gerangan penulisnya. mungkin antara kalian ada yang terus meninggalkan laman aku kerana perkataan dan perenggan yang panjang. tidak semua menyukai tulisan yang panjang-panjang, tetapi tidak bagi aku. tulisan yang panjang itu mampu memberikan pandangan yang lebih mendalam dan tersusun dan juga terperinci. keseronokkan yang aku rasai apabila kau tahu ada orang yang telah bertandang ke laman kau berdasarkan jejakan yang diperolehi itu.


and I believe that I should have said thank you to those who reads my words. and to those who can finish it, MASEL TOV!

IT'S A ROUND THING

I'm still recovering from my trauma towards loaning money from best friends. Never will I forget what she had said to me.

WISHING UPON AN OCCUPYING

The drum keeps rolling, the hands keep shaking, the head keeps spinning, the mouth keeps watering, the eyes are fading, the muscles burdened with stress, the neck is getting a rest, the heartbeat feels the cold, the body is having a cold, she feels the dark side of her is conquering and torturing her. The dark seems stronger than before. Wonder where the hell it went wrong.

The best mate she thought was hers is not really hers. She thinks that the best mate is only taking advantages on her. Yes, she is bright, talented and active. She shows naïve-ness just to keep people shut their mouth. She shows something that ain’t her at all. She’s splitting everywhere. She has not yet found her true self. She knows that.

She’s always high when she didn’t occupy the spaces that needed to be occupied. The eyes are closing again. It’s too heavy. No, no, no, she’s not on drugs, alcohol or smoke. She’s hungry.

Questioning Myself; Answering Them, Then Questioning Again

What I wanted to be? about me

What should I be?  about my parents

What am I going to be?  about what I decided

Three simple questions that running into my mind when I’m questioning which way should I follow or go through. First question; what I really wanted to be is a 100% differs from what my parents want me to be, which is directly explained the second question. And for the third question; just simply what I will choose in order to satisfy both sides; mine and my parents/family/society.

I wanted a lot of things that most of it completely against my parents’ wishes, which they said it is what the religion told us. At the same time, they wanted me to be everything and all the things that they said had been told to do in my religion. Yes, they are religious persons and a bit conservative for me, who now had changed more towards liberalization. To make it more complicated, they also wanted me to do things in my own way, while following the path. What if some of things that I wanted to do does not follow that path? Now here, the first question and the second question are having a conflict. Things I wanted to do vs things I should do. Then, what will I choose?

I know one of the reasons I’m pretty much whining recently is because I’m too tired of fulfilling both needs and wants. In front of my parents, I will do all things according to their ways. But whenever I’m not with them, I’ll be doing things I’ve always wanted to do. The problems and tiring feelings are there because I never stop questioning myself whether I’m doing the right things or am I doing it else way. Hard questions always popped into my head and made me think and think, non-stop.

When I don’t fulfill my wants, I’ll feel like I’m not being true enough to myself, feels like I’m abandoning the inner me, feels like I’m such a hypocrite, not real enough, not being me. But then, when I don’t fulfill my parents’ wants, I feel like I’m being an ungrateful child. Like I’m devastating them with my delinquent acts, like I’m the most bad-good-for-nothing-child. Like I don’t deserve them at all.

And whenever I’m trying to answer by doing some action regarding my answer towards the third question, I’ll be questioning myself with the first and second question all over again. See how tired I am? I’ve try to stop on thinking for a while, but it didn’t work out for me. I’m thinking every single moment that I’m awake. If there is pen and paper, I’ll jot it down immediately. If my laptop is on, I’ll write it down on words or notes quickly before the idea lose. Friends often called as crazy, weird and unpredictable. And yes sometimes, even I’m confused with myself. Then I’ll Istighfar.

THE INFERIOR; THE HOW TO CHILL IT

Nothing hurts me more than you’re admiring or worship another woman, even though its just a celebrity crush. Yeah, I’m no beauty like them, I’m no hot like them, and I’m no graceful like them. Name all the boys’ traits, I got ‘em all. And I always feel and think that I would never suit a man. EVER, see how low-self-esteem I am? I know right.

Agh, don’t flatter me by saying, you’re beautiful enough, you’re okay looking like this, you just look perfect like this bla bla bla . . . I don’t wanna hear any of that. In fact, by saying or going with the flow with what I’m feeling might be a better options, cause we often laugh at it and suddenly it hit us that says, “Hey girl, you are worth enough for yourselves and important people in your life”. Those flattering flatter words don’t work with me. LOL. Better make me laugh as I love laughing.