TQA

Three years of knowing you, feels like there is still a lot to know. Three years I stay next to you, sometimes I get sick, but most of the time I love it. I personally believe that you are my other half, if only there is a guy version of you. Wherever you go, just turn your head back to me, smile and say “Everything is good and great for me, don’t you worry”. You’re always like a stepmother to me, but the best boyfriend I have ever had. People will slowly get to know and see how you really are, just the way I did. They will love your personality in silence. Nurture your good and kind heart; don’t give people the wrong signal, because you know how people easily misjudged you. All those crying moments with you, the big arguments we had, the night outs we spent, the sleepovers, walking to class and came back to hostel and most importantly, the happy, insane laughs we both shared. I remember you will keep babbling if I ever get sick and always bring me fresh lime whenever I’m having a sore throat. God knows how lazy you are and you wont simply do it to people, but you did it to me. All the time. I remember, rushing my way back from KL to Segamat, just because you called and cried saying something bad happened to you. We walked around UiTM, I made you laughed again and I swear, that is the best feelings. About the arguments, well let us not get into the topic. Just remember, when the whole world is going against you, I’m here. 

I just can't stop thinking about this

I’m feeling way too fresh right now that it has stopped me from feeling sleepy. Everyone should have taken a midnight bath cause it can truly makes you feel like you’re new. And are those rumors about getting a late or midnight bath are true? Seriously, I never believed it since the first time I’ve been told so. I really enjoyed late night bath. You never feel fresher when you took one before you sleep. Hey, I should suggest that everyone take a bath every time you sleep. It’ll make you feel more confident for yourself, and you will feel just great. Plus, its kinda an advantage for me as sometimes I don’t take my bath if I’m way too late for morning classes. The truth fact is, your body still feel fresh in the morning if you took a midnight bath. The things that smells is only your mouth and face. Just make a quick wash of it, and poof! You’re ready for classes.

Its just the simple big gesture I wanted you to make. I don’t ask you to buy me things, jewels or good stuffs. I just wanted you to at least show a little gratitude to me, cause I often felt that I’m never special enough to you. That you have no interest at all to me. That I am someone who you can never feel proud with. I am a person who is having a low-self-esteem-problem-when-it-comes-to-the-man-I-love. Lets make a quick check lists:

1.       Are you a beauty?                                                                                                                       

    NO

2.       Are you slim, slender or sexy?                                                                                         

    NO

3.       Do you have a hot physical appearance?                                                                                              

    NO

4.       Do you play games?                                                                                                                 

    NO

5.       Do you like football?                                                                                                                      

    NO

6.       Do you think that he thinks you are beautiful?                                                                

    NO

7.       Do you think that he just wanna have fun with you?                                                     

    MAYBE

8.       Does he proud of having you as his girlfriend?                                                                   

    NO, IDTS

9.       Does he have a lot of scandals?                                                                                                

    YES, I THINK

10.   Do you think that he has other funnier, beautiful, charming, intelligent person?      

    MAYBE

11.   Will he like me if I’m fat?                                                                                                       

    NO

12.   Does he like me?                                                                                                       

    IDK

13.   Does he really mean it when he said ily or imy ?                                                              

    IDK

14.   Do you love him?                                                                                                                           

    YES

15.   Do you find yourself always saying the wrong things when you’re having a conversation with him?                                                                                                                                                        YES

16.   Do you think that you’re physically attractive?                                                       

    NO

17.   Do you think that you have all he needs?                                                                  

    NO

From the quick check list that I did above, I scored 10 NO, 3 YES and the rest is unsure feeling. Can you see how low my self-esteem is?

happening

I really abandon my blog for quite some time eh? sometimes I just open it to read posts from other blogs. what happened to mine? where is your enthusiasm on writing things? where is the spirit? I haven't seen in like months. you're definitely losing yourself bit by bit.

TERHARU, YA AKU TERHARU

Aku tidak pernah menyangkakan bahawa ada orang yang menghargai dan menyukai tulisan dan nukilan aku di blog ini. aku sendiri merahsiakan identitiku di sini kerana, aku rasa biarlah begini. aku rasa aku lebih selesa senyap begini. aku rasa lebih tenang. perasaan damai yang aku alami kala menulis tanpa diperhatikan, tanpa diketahui siapa gerangan penulisnya. mungkin antara kalian ada yang terus meninggalkan laman aku kerana perkataan dan perenggan yang panjang. tidak semua menyukai tulisan yang panjang-panjang, tetapi tidak bagi aku. tulisan yang panjang itu mampu memberikan pandangan yang lebih mendalam dan tersusun dan juga terperinci. keseronokkan yang aku rasai apabila kau tahu ada orang yang telah bertandang ke laman kau berdasarkan jejakan yang diperolehi itu.


and I believe that I should have said thank you to those who reads my words. and to those who can finish it, MASEL TOV!

IT'S A ROUND THING

I'm still recovering from my trauma towards loaning money from best friends. Never will I forget what she had said to me.

WISHING UPON AN OCCUPYING

The drum keeps rolling, the hands keep shaking, the head keeps spinning, the mouth keeps watering, the eyes are fading, the muscles burdened with stress, the neck is getting a rest, the heartbeat feels the cold, the body is having a cold, she feels the dark side of her is conquering and torturing her. The dark seems stronger than before. Wonder where the hell it went wrong.

The best mate she thought was hers is not really hers. She thinks that the best mate is only taking advantages on her. Yes, she is bright, talented and active. She shows naïve-ness just to keep people shut their mouth. She shows something that ain’t her at all. She’s splitting everywhere. She has not yet found her true self. She knows that.

She’s always high when she didn’t occupy the spaces that needed to be occupied. The eyes are closing again. It’s too heavy. No, no, no, she’s not on drugs, alcohol or smoke. She’s hungry.

Questioning Myself; Answering Them, Then Questioning Again

What I wanted to be? about me

What should I be?  about my parents

What am I going to be?  about what I decided

Three simple questions that running into my mind when I’m questioning which way should I follow or go through. First question; what I really wanted to be is a 100% differs from what my parents want me to be, which is directly explained the second question. And for the third question; just simply what I will choose in order to satisfy both sides; mine and my parents/family/society.

I wanted a lot of things that most of it completely against my parents’ wishes, which they said it is what the religion told us. At the same time, they wanted me to be everything and all the things that they said had been told to do in my religion. Yes, they are religious persons and a bit conservative for me, who now had changed more towards liberalization. To make it more complicated, they also wanted me to do things in my own way, while following the path. What if some of things that I wanted to do does not follow that path? Now here, the first question and the second question are having a conflict. Things I wanted to do vs things I should do. Then, what will I choose?

I know one of the reasons I’m pretty much whining recently is because I’m too tired of fulfilling both needs and wants. In front of my parents, I will do all things according to their ways. But whenever I’m not with them, I’ll be doing things I’ve always wanted to do. The problems and tiring feelings are there because I never stop questioning myself whether I’m doing the right things or am I doing it else way. Hard questions always popped into my head and made me think and think, non-stop.

When I don’t fulfill my wants, I’ll feel like I’m not being true enough to myself, feels like I’m abandoning the inner me, feels like I’m such a hypocrite, not real enough, not being me. But then, when I don’t fulfill my parents’ wants, I feel like I’m being an ungrateful child. Like I’m devastating them with my delinquent acts, like I’m the most bad-good-for-nothing-child. Like I don’t deserve them at all.

And whenever I’m trying to answer by doing some action regarding my answer towards the third question, I’ll be questioning myself with the first and second question all over again. See how tired I am? I’ve try to stop on thinking for a while, but it didn’t work out for me. I’m thinking every single moment that I’m awake. If there is pen and paper, I’ll jot it down immediately. If my laptop is on, I’ll write it down on words or notes quickly before the idea lose. Friends often called as crazy, weird and unpredictable. And yes sometimes, even I’m confused with myself. Then I’ll Istighfar.

THE INFERIOR; THE HOW TO CHILL IT

Nothing hurts me more than you’re admiring or worship another woman, even though its just a celebrity crush. Yeah, I’m no beauty like them, I’m no hot like them, and I’m no graceful like them. Name all the boys’ traits, I got ‘em all. And I always feel and think that I would never suit a man. EVER, see how low-self-esteem I am? I know right.

Agh, don’t flatter me by saying, you’re beautiful enough, you’re okay looking like this, you just look perfect like this bla bla bla . . . I don’t wanna hear any of that. In fact, by saying or going with the flow with what I’m feeling might be a better options, cause we often laugh at it and suddenly it hit us that says, “Hey girl, you are worth enough for yourselves and important people in your life”. Those flattering flatter words don’t work with me. LOL. Better make me laugh as I love laughing. 

I THINK I'M INSANE-OUT-OF-MY-MIND

We are celebrating Ramadhan every single year, even when we're still a child. We know that since we were little. We ate good foods every single day and we were having the same meals on Ramadhan. People always cared for the situations happening rather than really indulge themselves and find the real meaning of what Ramdhan is. I'll list down things that are always been associated with Ramadhan;

1. LOTS OF FOODS ON TABLE
2. DRINKS
3. BAZAAR
4. TIRED
5. EXHAUSTED
6. HUNGRY
7. FAMILY

I dont get this. Suddenly, everyone is soo hungry. Suddenly, everyone really wanted to eat this. Suddenly, everything is just suddenly during this month. I'm not saying that we shouldn't celebrate it, we should. but the way all of us celebrate it here is just sooo I cant even find the right words or term to describe it. Its like too suffocating to me. We care more on what to eat than things that we should really do or grab during this month. 

They said we should grab the opportunities to pray for our sins forgiven because its a special month for us. Why craving for food instead you should be craving for Allah's forgiveness? I'm no saint here, but I think of it like that now. 

I MIGHT BE BANNED

There have been a lot of article about women shouldn't be putting picture that have their face on it on their facebook profile. Let's keep short and simple here;


I WOULD NEVER BUY THAT SHIT HA HA HA HAH


OH please, you didn't make just one of your picture as a default, but still you got tonnes of albums of your fucking face in there. Tell me again what is the hukum of that? Oh, NO PARTICULAR HUKUM ON THAT? I think that should be the same. As long as it is a picture. Then again, whomever had invented pictures, photography, all those shits must have been bearing a lot of sins as everyone is showing off their faces every single day. Blame them everyone. They're the one who makes us making sins every single day now.


 You're great in making things weirder every single days.

MY DREAM WEDDING PARTY OR CELEBRATION OR SWASHBUCKLE?

Just now I watched Love Actually and there’s a wedding scene, where the married couple had been entertained by a friend’s group or band, singing and playing instruments on their way out of the aisle. And I was like, THAT IS SOOOOOO COOOLL! I think I wanted to have a private marriage party, where it is only for friends, the open-minded one and there would be dancing, and singing, jamming session if you want it too. I’ll just make it as natural as possible, like the time we used to hang out with each other and nothing formal at all. It’ll just be a celebration party between closest friends, and I want it to be ordinary, yet special and memorable enough to be remembered. It will be really private, not even one of my family members should know about it. LOL. Maybe I’ll just invite Sury along, cause she can handle this situations. She’s my best cousin after all.

What am I gonna wear? I think I should throw on something chic, simple yet and shows a bit of rocks element, cause I always love rocks style. Yes! Of course a craazzayy hair. I’ll make a crazy hair that day and I really hope that my husband will be okay with this. I hope he’s fine with this kind of celebration party. Oh I forgot about what he’s going to wear. Hem, that would be up to him what he’s going to wear. It’s his body, and this is an informal party, so I don’t think I should bother with anything he’ll throw on. Wait, I’m not finish yet on what I’m gonna wear. The shoes, I’ll wear maybe either heels or flats. These were my options. We’ll see what my mood is likely to be.

The room for the party would be in a dark situation, dark decorations, and I saw some red, pink, green and yellow being splash here and there, what a great feelings when you actually imagining things the way you wanted it to be. There must be a disco ball, disco lighting as well. Why? Aaa, you didn’t think it match with the theme? I like ’em. So, I think I should put them too.

Oh I’m too lazy to think about the food. Hey, we could order a delivery! YES! Everything would be perfect. No stress about where to put the food, since I’ll be making it self-service. Only much better and more friendly. The hang out theme for my party idea was brilliant. I know it is! No awkward situation. Whew, I always hated that. We’re friends. Friends don’t need a formal occasion to be put together. That is just basically my point of view on personal friend’s codes.

SHE FEELS

She’s no flirty, no nymphomaniac. She just loved being surrounded by a guy, whom can make her happy and flowery at the same time. And she loves to have a physical contact with the man that drives her crazy. It feels so good, so lively, so sexy yet so daring and loveable. She could feel like she’s the most beautiful lady in her world. Like she’s the hottest person ever lived to satisfy and make her man happy. That’s what she really felt when she’s in love with someone.

Though sometimes, she could feels like she’s the ugliest, unattractive, dumb, smothering person ever lived in this world. Like she doesn’t deserve him. Like there are way much better, beautiful girls out there. Like she’s being cheated by him. Like she does never deserve anyone in her life. That is the down moment that she’s having whenever the situations between them are awkward and full of misunderstood.

The love, passion mostly, that encountered her had made her more and more seductive and sexy just to show her man that she’s fucking into him. That she desires him to always be next to her, to lie in his arms, to let her hair being stroked by him, to let her lips being kissed, the soft one by her man, to let her being pampered by him in any possible way. And for her, she would do anything that would please her man, in both sexual and supportive way. Ahh, she could never resist the urge to always think about it, about how they can be together, about how will it feel, about how what they’re going to do, about mostly everything.

That is just how she feels.

WHINY MOMENT

I hate to admit the fact that sometimes I do lose my focus towards the things that I have to achieve now. I often think a lot about things that I wanted to do next, where they are not even confirmed to be done yet. It’s good to think about the future, but first, you have to strive to achieve and to be excellent in your own way, currently. And I know why I always get exhausted in thinking. It is simply because I never stop thinking about how to excel in the future, but not now. That’s what I’ve been whining about all these days, all these months, and all these years. Nigel in The Devil Wears Prada had knocked me out by saying, you’re not trying, you are whining. Damn, it’s true. We are all whining, despite doing our jobs correctly. Gosh I never get tired watching that movie. I never stop on thinking, never once unless I’m sleeping.

We are all whiners. We whine every single day. I whined a lot too. A lot, I tell ya.

Okay off topic. Can I possibly get somebody who can actually speak in an English slang? Owh, that turns me on. Plus, with a deep, sexy voice when he’s a having a private and intimate conversation with me. Aww that is deeply attractive.

Off topic again. I just watched another Meryl Steep’s movie. And this time, she was collaborating with Nicole Kidman and Juliette Moore. And I shall say that the movie was extremely genius. One of the genius movie that I have ever watched in my entire life. Or maybe I’m the one who’s not been watching lots of goods movies. The one that is never been broadcasted in Malaysia. I wonder why they never broadcast these genius movies. They always show the common storyline-which-can-be-easily-predicted-about-all-of-what’s-happen-next-movies. I can easily object on what they were doing, and what they should have done. O I forgot to mention the movie’s title. It is The Hours. If you have some time, go search for it and make your time watching it. Don’t watch in a rush, you’ll never get the feeling. Watch only when you feel like watching it. That way, you’ll understand the story. Superb genius I tell ya. 

AS WE GROW

As we grow, we tend to have our very own perspective driven by our interests. People are different because of their traits, looks and personalities.  We also have reasons why we’re doing something. Either it is defined or undefined. My perspective had varied so much throughout the 19years I’ve lived. Along with the changes of perspective, my attitude also changed bit by bit. I know people will eventually say that I changed for bad, mostly but truthfully, I never felt that way. Of course I don’t feel that I’m changing for any good. It’s just that, I’m changing to suit the inner me more.  There’s nothing good or bad about it. I felt much better, although some might hurt because of the changes. O well, we hurt people’s feeling every time. And they hurt ours as well. So, that is a win-win situation for me. Accept the truth.

I never call myself as a saint just because I wrote things the way I look at it. But really, people will eventually make you win the situation because they read yours. They didn’t read on the other side. And I am no wanting people to make me look like I’m winning the situation just because you read mine. And I shan’t ask you to read the other side’s thought. Well, practically because they didn’t have any open sites telling about them. LOL. Just only laugh if you got that. Okay no, just giggle. You sounded scary when you laugh.

For me, growth will only make you better, only if you feel better about it. Don’t mind what others say about you. They don’t practically feel what you feel. They only wanted to make you follow the system that says you should do only this to become better, where we as a human have a very different ways on nurturing it.

Then again, how can I actually implement these thoughts on my children? Because I really don’t want them to feel miserable and tersepit like I was having now. They shall be free on expressing themselves, with a little guide from me from the early years. I believe that everyone will know how to behave, how to control themselves, when the time comes. We’ll just have to wait. Not everyone can make it fast. There are yin and yang, there are good and bad, and there must be fast and slow. The point is, try accepting the person the way it was. Whether they changed or not, that is up to them. It is their body, it is their mind, it is their thought, it is their perspectives. No one else have any rights on it, except Allah SWT and the person himself. I won’t use the phrase  ‘Let them be them’ . Too lame for me. 

ANOTHER

Another frustration. Another hope been denied. Another angst inside of me. Another vow made by me not to continue living by depending on parents. Another sad little heart when I can’t fight him back. Another let down that I have to bear. Another thought on how to gain your own money. Another thought on scoring high grades in examinations. Another slap in my face, not literally happen. Just saying. Another bad, negative thoughts running through my mind. Another revenge will be done. Another blame to be put. Another post written by me about how misery I am. 

well this was supposed to be posted long ago, but only now I feel like posting it. and the current mood that I'm feeling is 360degree from what I'm feeling in this post.

THE GAME BEGUN

Just wait and see who is the winner

ANYTHING THAT CROSSES MY MIND

Seriously, sometimes it is much better if I'm talking to myself. I just wanna talk. The talk. We talk. He talks. She talks. Everyone talks. okay now, I'm feeling like I'm teaching the English. What do I really wanna talk right now?

I'm hungry. Really hungry. But I have to endure it until the middle of the month. Why? cause that is the most perfect moment to ask for money from my parents. I'm always wrong in making decision about money. I've always think that it is okay to  use it all first and enjoy while you have that money in your hand. andd poof ! They are all gone now.

I think we should really ban the word supporters. No human are supportive to each other I'm telling you. We're fake. Even I am a fake. Don't try to deny this, cause you know deep down inside you, there's a maybe 10% less or more the unwilling to help or support feeling. I dare to admit that I am one of them. You are willing actually, but there's a little voice deeepp down inside tells you that you feel  a little bit erremmehh? can't find the term. Forgive me.

I really missed my family now. My dad called me this evening, asking either I'm okay or not. To tell you the truth, I'm really excited when he called me. I feel like I wanted to tell him everything, all the stories, all of what really happen to me right now, all my feelings. But I know that I can never do that. It's not as easy like we said it literally. I just wanted somebody to listen to my story, not to comment or criticize me at that very moment I tell them. Just listen. I'm damn sad, tense. But that's make me feels like wanting to go out more often. I played every evening now. Thank God I can try to improve my skills. maybe there's a bright and dark side of having problems in you. maybe you just gotta choose and do what's best for you in order to endure the angst.

BOOKFAIR / PC FAIR IN SOMEWHERE-ONLY-WE-KNOW

Banners all hung up two weeks before the exhibition, everywhere. Every single pole along the classes’ pathways, the colleges’ walks are full with them banners on it. I can barely see the poles, thanks to them. Thank God they didn’t put it in the toilet or any washrooms available. That would indicate that the event that we’re gonna have is super super big. But, with only banners along the pathways, I guess that won’t be such a big deal aite?

The Somewhere-Only-We-Know event is currently happening at one of the prestigious hall they have here. I saw vans, tents, shawls, fried chickens are available everywhere outside the prestigious hall. Then, what are they having inside? Seriously, the banner made it really interesting for me to find something that I really wish to find. Buku Fixi collections. I wanted to make them as my own private collection. Read reviews of every and each books of it from TTGB’s blog. They made my adrenaline rushed and stung up the feeling to make it my own. I wanted them badly.

So with hopes and determination, I went to the fair, poise and confidently and make a fast screening to the book section. And sadly, what did I found is a bunch of lame books, novels. And there are some books about religion. I was like, that’s it? That’s the only books that were offered to us? No wonder they didn’t make any high sale. Come on, old books will slightly catches our attentions. Accept the fact. Sell something new. Something that we should really see. Something that can make us thinks and read. Something that is fresh to the world. Person like me have always wanted something fresh to read. Just like when you drink juices. You prefer it to be really fresh because it is something that is preferable in a fresher condition. That analogy I applied it in my believe, that made me love to find something that can gives me a new feeling. I wanted to explore that. That unexplainable things, feelings.

Lastly, I bought myself a set of new earphone, a pair of headset for my brother. And now, other sisters are asking me to buy one for them. Masak Aku. The books? Forget it. Buku Fixi is my priority now in my-list-of-books-to-be-read. Money, money, money, it so funny, in a rich man’s world- ABBA.

I think that lately, I prefer to write in short cause I’m more to sweet quotes rather than writing-it-long era. Damn Twitter. You gotta blame her dear Bloggie Moggie. LOL. That was a joke that no one should ever laugh cause it’s not that funny? Oh I miss the old days where I loved to write in a very long entry that made no one wanted to read it. Well, they are the one who loses the maybe-good notes or information that I’m telling.

Common Sense

People need common sense in their life. And as my dad always said, the best way to approach or handle any kind of situation is by diplomacy. Said the shittiest things in the nicest way. Practically, I'm one of them who used this kind of approach. I know, not all of us out there were blessed by an understanding, superb, brilliant, not-afraid-to-show-their-love dad, and I'm reallyyy glad that I have one.

Well, I'm not practically bragging my dad here. The point is, if you wanna say something that is not quite hearable, do it nicely. In the nicest way possible. Super-brilliant-genius people will get your deepest point. I do. I can always get the hidden point. But just do it nicely, with nice word.

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HER

She is Maimunah Binti Abd Rahman, a petit, cute, dark women with a very strong personality that no one that I’ve known had the same personality as she does. As what I’ve been told since I was a little, she worked as a nurse in government hospital. She knew how to handle every difficulties or things that we as normal people are mostly didn’t want to do it. It’s the nurse thing.

Sometimes, I tend to think, how many grateful patients that she had helped, how many babies that she had helped to deliver and how many bodies that she used to bathe when a death occur. I don’t think that one of us had ever thought of that before. We just knew that she helped so many people, had give out all her strengths to do whatever it takes for a person to survive. And how many love that she has ever showered us as her children, grandchildren and her great grandchildren. Still didn’t count of what she had done to her relatives and most importantly, her parents. No one, I mean us as the second next generation of her had barely thought of that.

I wished that I could go through her heart, and sees what she actually feels. Faces sometimes can bring a different meaning to us. Maybe we are interpreting it wrongly. Or maybe right. As far as I know, she had three children, two guys and a lady. I shouldn’t be using boys and girls as always cause they are my uncles and aunt, literally. The first son and second daughter, was from her first marriage with a white man, if I’m not mistaken. The last son is from her second marriage with a local guy, if I’m not mistaken as well.

All that I can see is that, she had been through a really, really hard life. I don’t know where it went wrong, cause she is such a patient and loving lady. Although that maybe people could get the wrong idea about the way she talked, I mean the intonation used, but still she is a wonderful person to be with. And yet, someone that can easy to be manipulated with. I’m not just saying like saying the saying, I’m saying this because I saw it myself. I saw and I knew it right there and then when she’s already been manipulated. Somehow, it is easy to see and detect our old folks’ expression when we talked to them. Os maybe it is just a symptom that everyone could get when we reached our golden age. Maybe.

Seriously, I don’t know much about her past lives. I just wrote things that I may know or wrongly  known about her. All I know is that she is among the persons who had babysit me during my childhood, helped my mother a lot during and after her pregnancy, and not just pregnancy. Anything that she could help, she’ll gladly do it. That is what I can assure you. And now, she is gone. How irony it is when you always helped people to survive their lives from death and now, you’re one of the gone people. But I guess, the irony word can be an exception, as death waits all the living things. Everyone will die. That’s for sure. That is what had been written in the Holy Quran. One among of all Allah’s promises to us.

AL-FATIHAH FOR ALLAHYARHAMAH MAIMUNAH ABD RAHMAN.

BISMILLAHHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM

ALHAMDULILLAHIRABBIL ‘ALAMIN

ARRAHMANIRRAHIM

MALIKIYAUMIDDIN

IYYA KANA’ BUDUWA IYYA KANASTA ‘IN

IHDINASHIRATHAL MUSTAQIM

SHIRATHALLAZI NA AN’AM TA ‘ALAIHIM

GHAIRIL MAGHDU BI ‘ALAI HIM

WALADDHAALLIN.