THE GAME BEGUN

Just wait and see who is the winner

ANYTHING THAT CROSSES MY MIND

Seriously, sometimes it is much better if I'm talking to myself. I just wanna talk. The talk. We talk. He talks. She talks. Everyone talks. okay now, I'm feeling like I'm teaching the English. What do I really wanna talk right now?

I'm hungry. Really hungry. But I have to endure it until the middle of the month. Why? cause that is the most perfect moment to ask for money from my parents. I'm always wrong in making decision about money. I've always think that it is okay to  use it all first and enjoy while you have that money in your hand. andd poof ! They are all gone now.

I think we should really ban the word supporters. No human are supportive to each other I'm telling you. We're fake. Even I am a fake. Don't try to deny this, cause you know deep down inside you, there's a maybe 10% less or more the unwilling to help or support feeling. I dare to admit that I am one of them. You are willing actually, but there's a little voice deeepp down inside tells you that you feel  a little bit erremmehh? can't find the term. Forgive me.

I really missed my family now. My dad called me this evening, asking either I'm okay or not. To tell you the truth, I'm really excited when he called me. I feel like I wanted to tell him everything, all the stories, all of what really happen to me right now, all my feelings. But I know that I can never do that. It's not as easy like we said it literally. I just wanted somebody to listen to my story, not to comment or criticize me at that very moment I tell them. Just listen. I'm damn sad, tense. But that's make me feels like wanting to go out more often. I played every evening now. Thank God I can try to improve my skills. maybe there's a bright and dark side of having problems in you. maybe you just gotta choose and do what's best for you in order to endure the angst.

BOOKFAIR / PC FAIR IN SOMEWHERE-ONLY-WE-KNOW

Banners all hung up two weeks before the exhibition, everywhere. Every single pole along the classes’ pathways, the colleges’ walks are full with them banners on it. I can barely see the poles, thanks to them. Thank God they didn’t put it in the toilet or any washrooms available. That would indicate that the event that we’re gonna have is super super big. But, with only banners along the pathways, I guess that won’t be such a big deal aite?

The Somewhere-Only-We-Know event is currently happening at one of the prestigious hall they have here. I saw vans, tents, shawls, fried chickens are available everywhere outside the prestigious hall. Then, what are they having inside? Seriously, the banner made it really interesting for me to find something that I really wish to find. Buku Fixi collections. I wanted to make them as my own private collection. Read reviews of every and each books of it from TTGB’s blog. They made my adrenaline rushed and stung up the feeling to make it my own. I wanted them badly.

So with hopes and determination, I went to the fair, poise and confidently and make a fast screening to the book section. And sadly, what did I found is a bunch of lame books, novels. And there are some books about religion. I was like, that’s it? That’s the only books that were offered to us? No wonder they didn’t make any high sale. Come on, old books will slightly catches our attentions. Accept the fact. Sell something new. Something that we should really see. Something that can make us thinks and read. Something that is fresh to the world. Person like me have always wanted something fresh to read. Just like when you drink juices. You prefer it to be really fresh because it is something that is preferable in a fresher condition. That analogy I applied it in my believe, that made me love to find something that can gives me a new feeling. I wanted to explore that. That unexplainable things, feelings.

Lastly, I bought myself a set of new earphone, a pair of headset for my brother. And now, other sisters are asking me to buy one for them. Masak Aku. The books? Forget it. Buku Fixi is my priority now in my-list-of-books-to-be-read. Money, money, money, it so funny, in a rich man’s world- ABBA.

I think that lately, I prefer to write in short cause I’m more to sweet quotes rather than writing-it-long era. Damn Twitter. You gotta blame her dear Bloggie Moggie. LOL. That was a joke that no one should ever laugh cause it’s not that funny? Oh I miss the old days where I loved to write in a very long entry that made no one wanted to read it. Well, they are the one who loses the maybe-good notes or information that I’m telling.

Common Sense

People need common sense in their life. And as my dad always said, the best way to approach or handle any kind of situation is by diplomacy. Said the shittiest things in the nicest way. Practically, I'm one of them who used this kind of approach. I know, not all of us out there were blessed by an understanding, superb, brilliant, not-afraid-to-show-their-love dad, and I'm reallyyy glad that I have one.

Well, I'm not practically bragging my dad here. The point is, if you wanna say something that is not quite hearable, do it nicely. In the nicest way possible. Super-brilliant-genius people will get your deepest point. I do. I can always get the hidden point. But just do it nicely, with nice word.

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HER

She is Maimunah Binti Abd Rahman, a petit, cute, dark women with a very strong personality that no one that I’ve known had the same personality as she does. As what I’ve been told since I was a little, she worked as a nurse in government hospital. She knew how to handle every difficulties or things that we as normal people are mostly didn’t want to do it. It’s the nurse thing.

Sometimes, I tend to think, how many grateful patients that she had helped, how many babies that she had helped to deliver and how many bodies that she used to bathe when a death occur. I don’t think that one of us had ever thought of that before. We just knew that she helped so many people, had give out all her strengths to do whatever it takes for a person to survive. And how many love that she has ever showered us as her children, grandchildren and her great grandchildren. Still didn’t count of what she had done to her relatives and most importantly, her parents. No one, I mean us as the second next generation of her had barely thought of that.

I wished that I could go through her heart, and sees what she actually feels. Faces sometimes can bring a different meaning to us. Maybe we are interpreting it wrongly. Or maybe right. As far as I know, she had three children, two guys and a lady. I shouldn’t be using boys and girls as always cause they are my uncles and aunt, literally. The first son and second daughter, was from her first marriage with a white man, if I’m not mistaken. The last son is from her second marriage with a local guy, if I’m not mistaken as well.

All that I can see is that, she had been through a really, really hard life. I don’t know where it went wrong, cause she is such a patient and loving lady. Although that maybe people could get the wrong idea about the way she talked, I mean the intonation used, but still she is a wonderful person to be with. And yet, someone that can easy to be manipulated with. I’m not just saying like saying the saying, I’m saying this because I saw it myself. I saw and I knew it right there and then when she’s already been manipulated. Somehow, it is easy to see and detect our old folks’ expression when we talked to them. Os maybe it is just a symptom that everyone could get when we reached our golden age. Maybe.

Seriously, I don’t know much about her past lives. I just wrote things that I may know or wrongly  known about her. All I know is that she is among the persons who had babysit me during my childhood, helped my mother a lot during and after her pregnancy, and not just pregnancy. Anything that she could help, she’ll gladly do it. That is what I can assure you. And now, she is gone. How irony it is when you always helped people to survive their lives from death and now, you’re one of the gone people. But I guess, the irony word can be an exception, as death waits all the living things. Everyone will die. That’s for sure. That is what had been written in the Holy Quran. One among of all Allah’s promises to us.

AL-FATIHAH FOR ALLAHYARHAMAH MAIMUNAH ABD RAHMAN.

BISMILLAHHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM

ALHAMDULILLAHIRABBIL ‘ALAMIN

ARRAHMANIRRAHIM

MALIKIYAUMIDDIN

IYYA KANA’ BUDUWA IYYA KANASTA ‘IN

IHDINASHIRATHAL MUSTAQIM

SHIRATHALLAZI NA AN’AM TA ‘ALAIHIM

GHAIRIL MAGHDU BI ‘ALAI HIM

WALADDHAALLIN.

The State of Denial

Right now, at this very moment and moments before this, I think that I’ve been living in the state of denial for a long time. Something just hit me and said, yeah, I’ve been denying the truth that I felt for a very long time. That is why some unexplainable things happened to me and yet I didn’t have any clue or answers to that. As my neurons keep on running fast, it hit me. I’ve always deny what I truly feels. I’ve never said what I really felt. I’ve always said things that are nice to hear to everybody, just to make them feel satisfied with me. The truth hurts, and not all of us can bear the hurts. Thus, I keep on denying, lying just to comfort the hearts of whom I loved. Tell me who’s to be blamed?

I used to blame myself for all the wrong things that happened to me. We’ve always been told that the inner self of us is the one who always making the wrong choices, gave the wrong clue. But really, what leads us to the clue that had been given out by our inner self? I dare to say that the systems built by our so-called-ancestors that had made us this way. They created our personalities, made us works or acts like the systems wanted to. We are actually the person with personality who had been created to do as they guided. All those Be Yourself, You Have The Right In Everything are bullshits.

When we think back, we have so much laws made up that is beautiful and sounded really logic and could make us the commoners win any situations, but yet, why are we still didn’t really win although the laws that made up by oldies are to be on our sides? Why can’t people deserve the same treats when they entered stores? Why we didn’t get the same services just because we are younger? And why we have to accept everything that the oldies told us to do despite letting us create something new and fresh to the world? Why do we have to stick to something that is already out of date? If I give you a fresh brewed cup of coffee and another cup of outdated coffee, which one you’d rather choose? Everyone would choose the fresh brewed one. It is the nature law. And yet, what are we still doing now? Keeps on voting the oldies who had been ruling the nation for decades and nothing much had been done really except for the monuments, tall buildings, tarred roads, exclusive clubs instead of jobs supply, students’ interests, and open-minded citizen who can criticize directly if their rulers done something wrong.

Unlike now, the upper people can do anything and keeps the media shuts about it but let them spread all those non-knowledgeable things to the citizens. I mean Hey, gimme a break man! Stop feeding us with all those craps. I don’t mind voting for the party, but please, let someone who actually does the work holds the title. The one who really deserves it. 

I used to deny this thing when somebody does made a real argument with me that kept me awake till 3a.m. But now, I totally get what the person meant by that. Now I really get the person’s thought. That’s genius and critics too. Damn, it took me about a year to really digest what he said. I wanted to stop on denying. But the systems made up would never let me do it. It can never make anyone else do it too. Keep on doing the things that you’re made up to do it everyone. We’re getting great at it day by day and yet, less knowing the truth of us. Denying rules!