I just can't stop thinking about this

I’m feeling way too fresh right now that it has stopped me from feeling sleepy. Everyone should have taken a midnight bath cause it can truly makes you feel like you’re new. And are those rumors about getting a late or midnight bath are true? Seriously, I never believed it since the first time I’ve been told so. I really enjoyed late night bath. You never feel fresher when you took one before you sleep. Hey, I should suggest that everyone take a bath every time you sleep. It’ll make you feel more confident for yourself, and you will feel just great. Plus, its kinda an advantage for me as sometimes I don’t take my bath if I’m way too late for morning classes. The truth fact is, your body still feel fresh in the morning if you took a midnight bath. The things that smells is only your mouth and face. Just make a quick wash of it, and poof! You’re ready for classes.

Its just the simple big gesture I wanted you to make. I don’t ask you to buy me things, jewels or good stuffs. I just wanted you to at least show a little gratitude to me, cause I often felt that I’m never special enough to you. That you have no interest at all to me. That I am someone who you can never feel proud with. I am a person who is having a low-self-esteem-problem-when-it-comes-to-the-man-I-love. Lets make a quick check lists:

1.       Are you a beauty?                                                                                                                       

    NO

2.       Are you slim, slender or sexy?                                                                                         

    NO

3.       Do you have a hot physical appearance?                                                                                              

    NO

4.       Do you play games?                                                                                                                 

    NO

5.       Do you like football?                                                                                                                      

    NO

6.       Do you think that he thinks you are beautiful?                                                                

    NO

7.       Do you think that he just wanna have fun with you?                                                     

    MAYBE

8.       Does he proud of having you as his girlfriend?                                                                   

    NO, IDTS

9.       Does he have a lot of scandals?                                                                                                

    YES, I THINK

10.   Do you think that he has other funnier, beautiful, charming, intelligent person?      

    MAYBE

11.   Will he like me if I’m fat?                                                                                                       

    NO

12.   Does he like me?                                                                                                       

    IDK

13.   Does he really mean it when he said ily or imy ?                                                              

    IDK

14.   Do you love him?                                                                                                                           

    YES

15.   Do you find yourself always saying the wrong things when you’re having a conversation with him?                                                                                                                                                        YES

16.   Do you think that you’re physically attractive?                                                       

    NO

17.   Do you think that you have all he needs?                                                                  

    NO

From the quick check list that I did above, I scored 10 NO, 3 YES and the rest is unsure feeling. Can you see how low my self-esteem is?

happening

I really abandon my blog for quite some time eh? sometimes I just open it to read posts from other blogs. what happened to mine? where is your enthusiasm on writing things? where is the spirit? I haven't seen in like months. you're definitely losing yourself bit by bit.

TERHARU, YA AKU TERHARU

Aku tidak pernah menyangkakan bahawa ada orang yang menghargai dan menyukai tulisan dan nukilan aku di blog ini. aku sendiri merahsiakan identitiku di sini kerana, aku rasa biarlah begini. aku rasa aku lebih selesa senyap begini. aku rasa lebih tenang. perasaan damai yang aku alami kala menulis tanpa diperhatikan, tanpa diketahui siapa gerangan penulisnya. mungkin antara kalian ada yang terus meninggalkan laman aku kerana perkataan dan perenggan yang panjang. tidak semua menyukai tulisan yang panjang-panjang, tetapi tidak bagi aku. tulisan yang panjang itu mampu memberikan pandangan yang lebih mendalam dan tersusun dan juga terperinci. keseronokkan yang aku rasai apabila kau tahu ada orang yang telah bertandang ke laman kau berdasarkan jejakan yang diperolehi itu.


and I believe that I should have said thank you to those who reads my words. and to those who can finish it, MASEL TOV!

IT'S A ROUND THING

I'm still recovering from my trauma towards loaning money from best friends. Never will I forget what she had said to me.

WISHING UPON AN OCCUPYING

The drum keeps rolling, the hands keep shaking, the head keeps spinning, the mouth keeps watering, the eyes are fading, the muscles burdened with stress, the neck is getting a rest, the heartbeat feels the cold, the body is having a cold, she feels the dark side of her is conquering and torturing her. The dark seems stronger than before. Wonder where the hell it went wrong.

The best mate she thought was hers is not really hers. She thinks that the best mate is only taking advantages on her. Yes, she is bright, talented and active. She shows naïve-ness just to keep people shut their mouth. She shows something that ain’t her at all. She’s splitting everywhere. She has not yet found her true self. She knows that.

She’s always high when she didn’t occupy the spaces that needed to be occupied. The eyes are closing again. It’s too heavy. No, no, no, she’s not on drugs, alcohol or smoke. She’s hungry.

Questioning Myself; Answering Them, Then Questioning Again

What I wanted to be? about me

What should I be?  about my parents

What am I going to be?  about what I decided

Three simple questions that running into my mind when I’m questioning which way should I follow or go through. First question; what I really wanted to be is a 100% differs from what my parents want me to be, which is directly explained the second question. And for the third question; just simply what I will choose in order to satisfy both sides; mine and my parents/family/society.

I wanted a lot of things that most of it completely against my parents’ wishes, which they said it is what the religion told us. At the same time, they wanted me to be everything and all the things that they said had been told to do in my religion. Yes, they are religious persons and a bit conservative for me, who now had changed more towards liberalization. To make it more complicated, they also wanted me to do things in my own way, while following the path. What if some of things that I wanted to do does not follow that path? Now here, the first question and the second question are having a conflict. Things I wanted to do vs things I should do. Then, what will I choose?

I know one of the reasons I’m pretty much whining recently is because I’m too tired of fulfilling both needs and wants. In front of my parents, I will do all things according to their ways. But whenever I’m not with them, I’ll be doing things I’ve always wanted to do. The problems and tiring feelings are there because I never stop questioning myself whether I’m doing the right things or am I doing it else way. Hard questions always popped into my head and made me think and think, non-stop.

When I don’t fulfill my wants, I’ll feel like I’m not being true enough to myself, feels like I’m abandoning the inner me, feels like I’m such a hypocrite, not real enough, not being me. But then, when I don’t fulfill my parents’ wants, I feel like I’m being an ungrateful child. Like I’m devastating them with my delinquent acts, like I’m the most bad-good-for-nothing-child. Like I don’t deserve them at all.

And whenever I’m trying to answer by doing some action regarding my answer towards the third question, I’ll be questioning myself with the first and second question all over again. See how tired I am? I’ve try to stop on thinking for a while, but it didn’t work out for me. I’m thinking every single moment that I’m awake. If there is pen and paper, I’ll jot it down immediately. If my laptop is on, I’ll write it down on words or notes quickly before the idea lose. Friends often called as crazy, weird and unpredictable. And yes sometimes, even I’m confused with myself. Then I’ll Istighfar.

THE INFERIOR; THE HOW TO CHILL IT

Nothing hurts me more than you’re admiring or worship another woman, even though its just a celebrity crush. Yeah, I’m no beauty like them, I’m no hot like them, and I’m no graceful like them. Name all the boys’ traits, I got ‘em all. And I always feel and think that I would never suit a man. EVER, see how low-self-esteem I am? I know right.

Agh, don’t flatter me by saying, you’re beautiful enough, you’re okay looking like this, you just look perfect like this bla bla bla . . . I don’t wanna hear any of that. In fact, by saying or going with the flow with what I’m feeling might be a better options, cause we often laugh at it and suddenly it hit us that says, “Hey girl, you are worth enough for yourselves and important people in your life”. Those flattering flatter words don’t work with me. LOL. Better make me laugh as I love laughing. 

I THINK I'M INSANE-OUT-OF-MY-MIND

We are celebrating Ramadhan every single year, even when we're still a child. We know that since we were little. We ate good foods every single day and we were having the same meals on Ramadhan. People always cared for the situations happening rather than really indulge themselves and find the real meaning of what Ramdhan is. I'll list down things that are always been associated with Ramadhan;

1. LOTS OF FOODS ON TABLE
2. DRINKS
3. BAZAAR
4. TIRED
5. EXHAUSTED
6. HUNGRY
7. FAMILY

I dont get this. Suddenly, everyone is soo hungry. Suddenly, everyone really wanted to eat this. Suddenly, everything is just suddenly during this month. I'm not saying that we shouldn't celebrate it, we should. but the way all of us celebrate it here is just sooo I cant even find the right words or term to describe it. Its like too suffocating to me. We care more on what to eat than things that we should really do or grab during this month. 

They said we should grab the opportunities to pray for our sins forgiven because its a special month for us. Why craving for food instead you should be craving for Allah's forgiveness? I'm no saint here, but I think of it like that now. 

I MIGHT BE BANNED

There have been a lot of article about women shouldn't be putting picture that have their face on it on their facebook profile. Let's keep short and simple here;


I WOULD NEVER BUY THAT SHIT HA HA HA HAH


OH please, you didn't make just one of your picture as a default, but still you got tonnes of albums of your fucking face in there. Tell me again what is the hukum of that? Oh, NO PARTICULAR HUKUM ON THAT? I think that should be the same. As long as it is a picture. Then again, whomever had invented pictures, photography, all those shits must have been bearing a lot of sins as everyone is showing off their faces every single day. Blame them everyone. They're the one who makes us making sins every single day now.


 You're great in making things weirder every single days.

MY DREAM WEDDING PARTY OR CELEBRATION OR SWASHBUCKLE?

Just now I watched Love Actually and there’s a wedding scene, where the married couple had been entertained by a friend’s group or band, singing and playing instruments on their way out of the aisle. And I was like, THAT IS SOOOOOO COOOLL! I think I wanted to have a private marriage party, where it is only for friends, the open-minded one and there would be dancing, and singing, jamming session if you want it too. I’ll just make it as natural as possible, like the time we used to hang out with each other and nothing formal at all. It’ll just be a celebration party between closest friends, and I want it to be ordinary, yet special and memorable enough to be remembered. It will be really private, not even one of my family members should know about it. LOL. Maybe I’ll just invite Sury along, cause she can handle this situations. She’s my best cousin after all.

What am I gonna wear? I think I should throw on something chic, simple yet and shows a bit of rocks element, cause I always love rocks style. Yes! Of course a craazzayy hair. I’ll make a crazy hair that day and I really hope that my husband will be okay with this. I hope he’s fine with this kind of celebration party. Oh I forgot about what he’s going to wear. Hem, that would be up to him what he’s going to wear. It’s his body, and this is an informal party, so I don’t think I should bother with anything he’ll throw on. Wait, I’m not finish yet on what I’m gonna wear. The shoes, I’ll wear maybe either heels or flats. These were my options. We’ll see what my mood is likely to be.

The room for the party would be in a dark situation, dark decorations, and I saw some red, pink, green and yellow being splash here and there, what a great feelings when you actually imagining things the way you wanted it to be. There must be a disco ball, disco lighting as well. Why? Aaa, you didn’t think it match with the theme? I like ’em. So, I think I should put them too.

Oh I’m too lazy to think about the food. Hey, we could order a delivery! YES! Everything would be perfect. No stress about where to put the food, since I’ll be making it self-service. Only much better and more friendly. The hang out theme for my party idea was brilliant. I know it is! No awkward situation. Whew, I always hated that. We’re friends. Friends don’t need a formal occasion to be put together. That is just basically my point of view on personal friend’s codes.

SHE FEELS

She’s no flirty, no nymphomaniac. She just loved being surrounded by a guy, whom can make her happy and flowery at the same time. And she loves to have a physical contact with the man that drives her crazy. It feels so good, so lively, so sexy yet so daring and loveable. She could feel like she’s the most beautiful lady in her world. Like she’s the hottest person ever lived to satisfy and make her man happy. That’s what she really felt when she’s in love with someone.

Though sometimes, she could feels like she’s the ugliest, unattractive, dumb, smothering person ever lived in this world. Like she doesn’t deserve him. Like there are way much better, beautiful girls out there. Like she’s being cheated by him. Like she does never deserve anyone in her life. That is the down moment that she’s having whenever the situations between them are awkward and full of misunderstood.

The love, passion mostly, that encountered her had made her more and more seductive and sexy just to show her man that she’s fucking into him. That she desires him to always be next to her, to lie in his arms, to let her hair being stroked by him, to let her lips being kissed, the soft one by her man, to let her being pampered by him in any possible way. And for her, she would do anything that would please her man, in both sexual and supportive way. Ahh, she could never resist the urge to always think about it, about how they can be together, about how will it feel, about how what they’re going to do, about mostly everything.

That is just how she feels.

WHINY MOMENT

I hate to admit the fact that sometimes I do lose my focus towards the things that I have to achieve now. I often think a lot about things that I wanted to do next, where they are not even confirmed to be done yet. It’s good to think about the future, but first, you have to strive to achieve and to be excellent in your own way, currently. And I know why I always get exhausted in thinking. It is simply because I never stop thinking about how to excel in the future, but not now. That’s what I’ve been whining about all these days, all these months, and all these years. Nigel in The Devil Wears Prada had knocked me out by saying, you’re not trying, you are whining. Damn, it’s true. We are all whining, despite doing our jobs correctly. Gosh I never get tired watching that movie. I never stop on thinking, never once unless I’m sleeping.

We are all whiners. We whine every single day. I whined a lot too. A lot, I tell ya.

Okay off topic. Can I possibly get somebody who can actually speak in an English slang? Owh, that turns me on. Plus, with a deep, sexy voice when he’s a having a private and intimate conversation with me. Aww that is deeply attractive.

Off topic again. I just watched another Meryl Steep’s movie. And this time, she was collaborating with Nicole Kidman and Juliette Moore. And I shall say that the movie was extremely genius. One of the genius movie that I have ever watched in my entire life. Or maybe I’m the one who’s not been watching lots of goods movies. The one that is never been broadcasted in Malaysia. I wonder why they never broadcast these genius movies. They always show the common storyline-which-can-be-easily-predicted-about-all-of-what’s-happen-next-movies. I can easily object on what they were doing, and what they should have done. O I forgot to mention the movie’s title. It is The Hours. If you have some time, go search for it and make your time watching it. Don’t watch in a rush, you’ll never get the feeling. Watch only when you feel like watching it. That way, you’ll understand the story. Superb genius I tell ya. 

AS WE GROW

As we grow, we tend to have our very own perspective driven by our interests. People are different because of their traits, looks and personalities.  We also have reasons why we’re doing something. Either it is defined or undefined. My perspective had varied so much throughout the 19years I’ve lived. Along with the changes of perspective, my attitude also changed bit by bit. I know people will eventually say that I changed for bad, mostly but truthfully, I never felt that way. Of course I don’t feel that I’m changing for any good. It’s just that, I’m changing to suit the inner me more.  There’s nothing good or bad about it. I felt much better, although some might hurt because of the changes. O well, we hurt people’s feeling every time. And they hurt ours as well. So, that is a win-win situation for me. Accept the truth.

I never call myself as a saint just because I wrote things the way I look at it. But really, people will eventually make you win the situation because they read yours. They didn’t read on the other side. And I am no wanting people to make me look like I’m winning the situation just because you read mine. And I shan’t ask you to read the other side’s thought. Well, practically because they didn’t have any open sites telling about them. LOL. Just only laugh if you got that. Okay no, just giggle. You sounded scary when you laugh.

For me, growth will only make you better, only if you feel better about it. Don’t mind what others say about you. They don’t practically feel what you feel. They only wanted to make you follow the system that says you should do only this to become better, where we as a human have a very different ways on nurturing it.

Then again, how can I actually implement these thoughts on my children? Because I really don’t want them to feel miserable and tersepit like I was having now. They shall be free on expressing themselves, with a little guide from me from the early years. I believe that everyone will know how to behave, how to control themselves, when the time comes. We’ll just have to wait. Not everyone can make it fast. There are yin and yang, there are good and bad, and there must be fast and slow. The point is, try accepting the person the way it was. Whether they changed or not, that is up to them. It is their body, it is their mind, it is their thought, it is their perspectives. No one else have any rights on it, except Allah SWT and the person himself. I won’t use the phrase  ‘Let them be them’ . Too lame for me. 

ANOTHER

Another frustration. Another hope been denied. Another angst inside of me. Another vow made by me not to continue living by depending on parents. Another sad little heart when I can’t fight him back. Another let down that I have to bear. Another thought on how to gain your own money. Another thought on scoring high grades in examinations. Another slap in my face, not literally happen. Just saying. Another bad, negative thoughts running through my mind. Another revenge will be done. Another blame to be put. Another post written by me about how misery I am. 

well this was supposed to be posted long ago, but only now I feel like posting it. and the current mood that I'm feeling is 360degree from what I'm feeling in this post.

THE GAME BEGUN

Just wait and see who is the winner

ANYTHING THAT CROSSES MY MIND

Seriously, sometimes it is much better if I'm talking to myself. I just wanna talk. The talk. We talk. He talks. She talks. Everyone talks. okay now, I'm feeling like I'm teaching the English. What do I really wanna talk right now?

I'm hungry. Really hungry. But I have to endure it until the middle of the month. Why? cause that is the most perfect moment to ask for money from my parents. I'm always wrong in making decision about money. I've always think that it is okay to  use it all first and enjoy while you have that money in your hand. andd poof ! They are all gone now.

I think we should really ban the word supporters. No human are supportive to each other I'm telling you. We're fake. Even I am a fake. Don't try to deny this, cause you know deep down inside you, there's a maybe 10% less or more the unwilling to help or support feeling. I dare to admit that I am one of them. You are willing actually, but there's a little voice deeepp down inside tells you that you feel  a little bit erremmehh? can't find the term. Forgive me.

I really missed my family now. My dad called me this evening, asking either I'm okay or not. To tell you the truth, I'm really excited when he called me. I feel like I wanted to tell him everything, all the stories, all of what really happen to me right now, all my feelings. But I know that I can never do that. It's not as easy like we said it literally. I just wanted somebody to listen to my story, not to comment or criticize me at that very moment I tell them. Just listen. I'm damn sad, tense. But that's make me feels like wanting to go out more often. I played every evening now. Thank God I can try to improve my skills. maybe there's a bright and dark side of having problems in you. maybe you just gotta choose and do what's best for you in order to endure the angst.

BOOKFAIR / PC FAIR IN SOMEWHERE-ONLY-WE-KNOW

Banners all hung up two weeks before the exhibition, everywhere. Every single pole along the classes’ pathways, the colleges’ walks are full with them banners on it. I can barely see the poles, thanks to them. Thank God they didn’t put it in the toilet or any washrooms available. That would indicate that the event that we’re gonna have is super super big. But, with only banners along the pathways, I guess that won’t be such a big deal aite?

The Somewhere-Only-We-Know event is currently happening at one of the prestigious hall they have here. I saw vans, tents, shawls, fried chickens are available everywhere outside the prestigious hall. Then, what are they having inside? Seriously, the banner made it really interesting for me to find something that I really wish to find. Buku Fixi collections. I wanted to make them as my own private collection. Read reviews of every and each books of it from TTGB’s blog. They made my adrenaline rushed and stung up the feeling to make it my own. I wanted them badly.

So with hopes and determination, I went to the fair, poise and confidently and make a fast screening to the book section. And sadly, what did I found is a bunch of lame books, novels. And there are some books about religion. I was like, that’s it? That’s the only books that were offered to us? No wonder they didn’t make any high sale. Come on, old books will slightly catches our attentions. Accept the fact. Sell something new. Something that we should really see. Something that can make us thinks and read. Something that is fresh to the world. Person like me have always wanted something fresh to read. Just like when you drink juices. You prefer it to be really fresh because it is something that is preferable in a fresher condition. That analogy I applied it in my believe, that made me love to find something that can gives me a new feeling. I wanted to explore that. That unexplainable things, feelings.

Lastly, I bought myself a set of new earphone, a pair of headset for my brother. And now, other sisters are asking me to buy one for them. Masak Aku. The books? Forget it. Buku Fixi is my priority now in my-list-of-books-to-be-read. Money, money, money, it so funny, in a rich man’s world- ABBA.

I think that lately, I prefer to write in short cause I’m more to sweet quotes rather than writing-it-long era. Damn Twitter. You gotta blame her dear Bloggie Moggie. LOL. That was a joke that no one should ever laugh cause it’s not that funny? Oh I miss the old days where I loved to write in a very long entry that made no one wanted to read it. Well, they are the one who loses the maybe-good notes or information that I’m telling.

Common Sense

People need common sense in their life. And as my dad always said, the best way to approach or handle any kind of situation is by diplomacy. Said the shittiest things in the nicest way. Practically, I'm one of them who used this kind of approach. I know, not all of us out there were blessed by an understanding, superb, brilliant, not-afraid-to-show-their-love dad, and I'm reallyyy glad that I have one.

Well, I'm not practically bragging my dad here. The point is, if you wanna say something that is not quite hearable, do it nicely. In the nicest way possible. Super-brilliant-genius people will get your deepest point. I do. I can always get the hidden point. But just do it nicely, with nice word.

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HER

She is Maimunah Binti Abd Rahman, a petit, cute, dark women with a very strong personality that no one that I’ve known had the same personality as she does. As what I’ve been told since I was a little, she worked as a nurse in government hospital. She knew how to handle every difficulties or things that we as normal people are mostly didn’t want to do it. It’s the nurse thing.

Sometimes, I tend to think, how many grateful patients that she had helped, how many babies that she had helped to deliver and how many bodies that she used to bathe when a death occur. I don’t think that one of us had ever thought of that before. We just knew that she helped so many people, had give out all her strengths to do whatever it takes for a person to survive. And how many love that she has ever showered us as her children, grandchildren and her great grandchildren. Still didn’t count of what she had done to her relatives and most importantly, her parents. No one, I mean us as the second next generation of her had barely thought of that.

I wished that I could go through her heart, and sees what she actually feels. Faces sometimes can bring a different meaning to us. Maybe we are interpreting it wrongly. Or maybe right. As far as I know, she had three children, two guys and a lady. I shouldn’t be using boys and girls as always cause they are my uncles and aunt, literally. The first son and second daughter, was from her first marriage with a white man, if I’m not mistaken. The last son is from her second marriage with a local guy, if I’m not mistaken as well.

All that I can see is that, she had been through a really, really hard life. I don’t know where it went wrong, cause she is such a patient and loving lady. Although that maybe people could get the wrong idea about the way she talked, I mean the intonation used, but still she is a wonderful person to be with. And yet, someone that can easy to be manipulated with. I’m not just saying like saying the saying, I’m saying this because I saw it myself. I saw and I knew it right there and then when she’s already been manipulated. Somehow, it is easy to see and detect our old folks’ expression when we talked to them. Os maybe it is just a symptom that everyone could get when we reached our golden age. Maybe.

Seriously, I don’t know much about her past lives. I just wrote things that I may know or wrongly  known about her. All I know is that she is among the persons who had babysit me during my childhood, helped my mother a lot during and after her pregnancy, and not just pregnancy. Anything that she could help, she’ll gladly do it. That is what I can assure you. And now, she is gone. How irony it is when you always helped people to survive their lives from death and now, you’re one of the gone people. But I guess, the irony word can be an exception, as death waits all the living things. Everyone will die. That’s for sure. That is what had been written in the Holy Quran. One among of all Allah’s promises to us.

AL-FATIHAH FOR ALLAHYARHAMAH MAIMUNAH ABD RAHMAN.

BISMILLAHHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM

ALHAMDULILLAHIRABBIL ‘ALAMIN

ARRAHMANIRRAHIM

MALIKIYAUMIDDIN

IYYA KANA’ BUDUWA IYYA KANASTA ‘IN

IHDINASHIRATHAL MUSTAQIM

SHIRATHALLAZI NA AN’AM TA ‘ALAIHIM

GHAIRIL MAGHDU BI ‘ALAI HIM

WALADDHAALLIN.

The State of Denial

Right now, at this very moment and moments before this, I think that I’ve been living in the state of denial for a long time. Something just hit me and said, yeah, I’ve been denying the truth that I felt for a very long time. That is why some unexplainable things happened to me and yet I didn’t have any clue or answers to that. As my neurons keep on running fast, it hit me. I’ve always deny what I truly feels. I’ve never said what I really felt. I’ve always said things that are nice to hear to everybody, just to make them feel satisfied with me. The truth hurts, and not all of us can bear the hurts. Thus, I keep on denying, lying just to comfort the hearts of whom I loved. Tell me who’s to be blamed?

I used to blame myself for all the wrong things that happened to me. We’ve always been told that the inner self of us is the one who always making the wrong choices, gave the wrong clue. But really, what leads us to the clue that had been given out by our inner self? I dare to say that the systems built by our so-called-ancestors that had made us this way. They created our personalities, made us works or acts like the systems wanted to. We are actually the person with personality who had been created to do as they guided. All those Be Yourself, You Have The Right In Everything are bullshits.

When we think back, we have so much laws made up that is beautiful and sounded really logic and could make us the commoners win any situations, but yet, why are we still didn’t really win although the laws that made up by oldies are to be on our sides? Why can’t people deserve the same treats when they entered stores? Why we didn’t get the same services just because we are younger? And why we have to accept everything that the oldies told us to do despite letting us create something new and fresh to the world? Why do we have to stick to something that is already out of date? If I give you a fresh brewed cup of coffee and another cup of outdated coffee, which one you’d rather choose? Everyone would choose the fresh brewed one. It is the nature law. And yet, what are we still doing now? Keeps on voting the oldies who had been ruling the nation for decades and nothing much had been done really except for the monuments, tall buildings, tarred roads, exclusive clubs instead of jobs supply, students’ interests, and open-minded citizen who can criticize directly if their rulers done something wrong.

Unlike now, the upper people can do anything and keeps the media shuts about it but let them spread all those non-knowledgeable things to the citizens. I mean Hey, gimme a break man! Stop feeding us with all those craps. I don’t mind voting for the party, but please, let someone who actually does the work holds the title. The one who really deserves it. 

I used to deny this thing when somebody does made a real argument with me that kept me awake till 3a.m. But now, I totally get what the person meant by that. Now I really get the person’s thought. That’s genius and critics too. Damn, it took me about a year to really digest what he said. I wanted to stop on denying. But the systems made up would never let me do it. It can never make anyone else do it too. Keep on doing the things that you’re made up to do it everyone. We’re getting great at it day by day and yet, less knowing the truth of us. Denying rules!

The Inside or The Outside?

A hanging, never ending question, for me. the question of either I'm better on my outside, or am I better on the inside. I think I knew the answer, but sometimes I'm clueless, totally. at times, I get a hint. but at times, I lose it all. my heart keeps on pounding. it's pounding like crazy whenever the questions hit me. those hitting made me realize that I may be proud of myself, or I just being scared or timid. hands are on my chin, cramp in my shoulder, the cold that surrounded me at this late night. what could possibly be more about the inside is having a higher percentage than the outside? or am I just scored high in the outside, but getting the least mark in the inside? what did I get actually?

I'm feeling like trying to reach the last monkey bars that hanging way far from the ground, but out of no where, I lost my grip and almost fall. luckily my second hand keeps on holding to the old previous bars. that keeps me hanging for a while. then I try to rebalanced my body, pushing it up towards the bars, so that the first hand could reach again. don't try to think of any resemblance of my story to anything that you could possibly be thinking, cause what are on your mind is only the possibilities. you won't now it for sure. even I didn't know what are the resemblance towards my words. I just write what I do felt at the moment I jot it down. it is my hands that done the writing, while my mind runs a wild imagination at the same time.

Don't think, just read.

Been In Silence

Silence is good though. I didn't get it why certain people had to scream in their lives. is it for the attention? maybe, perhaps. well, I'm not writing today just to give the definition of silence to you. I just wanted to tell you that silence is great, not good, but Great. and I felt ashamed when I recall back my memories on the old me. the child me. the innocent me. I used to scream and shout when I speaks. I used to think that it is cool tho. ask anybody about me, they'll say that I'ma rough person. that is who I used to be. ohh, you can't ask, cause you don't even know who's speaking behind this Oda Narwida's name. HAHA. too bad. Sapa taw, Dia taw laa-cyra( love it when she say this word.the intonation)

Recently, I prefer to listen to slow, relax melody with a strong grip of lyrics. and I noticed, since that, I became someone who rarely speaks loud and proud. I became someone who rather shuts my mouth than giving out my opinions, my says. I do give my says, only if things really don't go my way. and my silence for this few months are caused by lots of unexpected things that happened to me. there's no need to tell it here. this isn't a private diary that I would write about my daily life. I've promised myself that I'll only write my opinion here, my says, my point of view, my thoughts, my wisdom(cehh :p) All of that, except my private activities. feelings aren't included in activities, so yes. I might write down on how I feel on certain issues.

Back to silence. I think I wanted to try new things that I never ever encountered before, that is being a total silent person. it's damn hard by the way. I'm not a silent type. but I guess, I'ma person who can do anything either I have the will or not on doing it. the main thing is, to have guts or trust or believes that you can do it, even if its below 10%. Radiohead is such a big impact on me. the lyrics, made me feel like I'm in my own world. the silence world that I never entered before. the silence that I've been craving for without I'm noticing it. have you played the swinging thing in funfair, that swing you high up in the sky? I have. and you wanted to know what I really felt at that moment? the moment when it reaches it highest point and it feels like it paused for a while before swinging down back to the ground. I'm talking about that point, the paused feelings that you encountered. there's no scared over there, there's no fun over there. there's a peace and silence moment that I felt. the feelings of relieves when you found your lost thing. the feelings that made you wanna close your eyes and says "This is it" . I felt that by silence.

I may be a loud person, but when I remain in silence, I'm being a complete, total me. I'm high in my own world. it could be bad or it could be good. I didn't even know which one is when I'm encountering that feelings. and yes, now I do believe in the saying of Silence is Good. where did I get that, please don't ask me. just making it up, since I don't remember the real phrase is.

It has been a while ain't it?

Yes, it has been quite a while right? almost three weeks after my last posts? actually, I've made up a new post, but I can't post it in my blog since I saved it in my laptop. Andddd to tell you the worse, the HARDDISK is totally corrupted.TOTALLY. and I have to buy a new one. it is quite a long entry.damn.

I've been in a flyingg mood recently. NO. NOT RECENTLY. I've been in a flyingg mood, or you can say best is, idk. is there any terms for lovey-dovey feeling? okay, let's just use that. and recently, I don't know why I keep starting a fight with THE person. do I heart THE person too much? until I tend to bare letting THE person angry and pissed off me at most of time? can anybody answer me?

what am I actually doing? what do I actually feel? I know that I am jealous, but HEYYY WAKE UP ODA! you know that people will felt bore and think that you are such a fuss if you keep continue on saying that damn word. JEALOUS. it is a curse.   ~o please, don't curse me~
so, what is that fight worth for actually? NOTHING RIGHT? I know that all of you will say that to me. but I do think that I'm selfish. I don't wanna get hurt, so I hurt people. in this case, it is THE person. *sigh*

until now, I do think that THE person is waaayyyy too good for me. I'm nothing. I do look like something, but really, I felt like I'm nothing. and now you can feel that too. do disappointed in me since I've hurt THE person soo much. TOO MUCH, in brief. and to THE person, what can I explain to you is, I'm scared. I'm too scared for a break up. I'm too scared of getting hurt. I'm too scared of being left, abandoned. I'm too scared that you would turn away for other person. And that is mainly because I don't open up myself to people easily. None of my closest friends will know everything about me. NONE. It took me a long time to accept a person, and it took me a loonnger time to get over a person. And yet, I'm acting like a big bullshit. And I know that I sounded more funny when I'm seeking for your forgiveness. I don't wanna be looked down by anyone. yes. I'm too ego in my own way. blame me. BLAME ME.

but still, I'M SORRY. I really am sorry. Tho I know that my sorry is not worth it at all. 
~Green, your favorite. just like my dad~

p/s: I'm good in long sentences.thats why I can't write you a text message.it feels awkward writing like this in a text message. and idc if you wanted to laugh at me. with you, I'm lost. totally.

Tolong ubah cara pemikiran kalian dahulu

Jasmine slalu hepi eh?

(click on the link first if you don't know what am I talking about)

How to say this without people getting mad at me pula ha? One of the latest issue,   (I think) among Malaysians. Dang. Kenapa korang nak kecoh sangat tentang dia yang menghina Nabi Muhammad? Itu pendapat dialah. Kalian tidak mahu menerimanya, tidak perlulah terima. Jangan kata aku tidak sensitif akan hal ini. Nabi Muhammad SAW itu adalah Rasul yang diutuskan kepada zaman manusia arab jahiliah adalah kerana untuk memperbetulkan akidah mereka supaya menyembah Allah SWT. Perkara ini telah Allah SWT nyatakan di dalam Al-Quran. Tidak perlu untuk aku bagi syarahan agama di sini. Aku pun, bukanlah sempurna sangat untuk menasihati orang lain. Yang penting, kesedaran daripada diri sendiri. Itu yang aku pegang sehingga kini.

Jadi, berbalik kepada perihal Jasmine Slalu Hepi ini, aku tidaklah terasa apa-apa melainkan sedih. Itu sahaja. Kerana haruslah kita merasa sedih dan marah terhadap orang yang mengutuk, mencaci orang yang diangkat darjatnya oleh Allah SWT sendiri. Namun, betul. Aku hanya merasakan dia meluahkan pendapatnya sahaja. That is what she truly feels. Aku tidak akan kata yang dia ini tidak kenal lagi Islam itu bagaimana, dia tidak tahu apakah sejarah dan asal-usul Islam, Nabi-nabi kita (for MUSLIM), dia ini tidak melihat Islam menggunakan mata hati and bla bla bla. Dah dia telah mendidik pemikiran dia untuk berfikir begitu, siapa kita untuk menghalangnya?

Namun, aku TIDAKLAH MENYOKONG PERBUATAN SEBEGITU. Malaysians ni, pantang ayat tidak lengkap sahaja, mulalah terus nak membahan dan mengatakan sesorang itu adalah terlalu liberal dan tidak mengikut syariat Islam lah, dan berbagai tohmahan yang seseorang itu akan terima sekiranya cara pemikirannya lain daripada yang lain. Jadi, nasihat aku adalah, instead you go and saying it to everyone that THIS JASMINE is such a rotten person, do think back of yourself first. Kau rasa amalan kau semua dah cukup untuk membuatkan kau masuk ke syurga? Please, jangan guna ayat ‘ memanglah kita ini banyak dosa, tapi kau pun tidak mahu masuk ke neraka bukan?’ atau ‘ memanglah, tetapi Allah itu maha mengetahui’ 

PLEASEE ! I’m sick of these words. You know what, that sentences had been made to cover up the fear that you feel and just only to satisfy your own feelings. SECURITY. Sedangkan hakikatnya, kau tahu kau banyak sangat buat dosa, banyak sangat larangan Allah yang kau langgar, banyak sangat amalan nabi yang kau tidak amalkan, banyak sangat kesalahan tajwid yang kau buat semasa kau membaca Al-Quran. Kau tahu bukan bahawa untuk membaca Al-Quran, kau perlulah membacanya dengan sebutan dan makhraj yang betul? Sekiranya salah, itu sudah dikira berdosa. Melainkan sekiranya kau berniat untuk memperbetulkan bacaan kau tersebut, dan kau memahami apa yang kau baca. Dan lagi satu, kenapa aku tidak suka bila manusia menggunakan ayat ini? Sebabnya mudah, aku rasa yang setiap manusia ada perasaan riak dalam diri mereka. Even I myself, sometimes I do feel like flying when people accomplished me, saying that I was great, I can do anything, I’m brilliant and all those bullshits. You do realize that riak is one of the most forbidden feelings that you should not have? It shows disrespect toward Allah’s power. My truly advice is, go and repent yourself to Allah first. Then, avoid criticizing people on their beliefs. You don’t like it right when people said back things about you and your family or your religion? Same goes with them.

Do you want to really know why they acted that way? It is MAINLY because of US, the MUSLIMS nowadays. Come on, do you still want to argue with me about it? I’ll give my point first.

1.  Perangai muslim sekarang dah tiada rupa macam muslim.
2. Kita suka bercakap akan perihal pengaruh Islam pada zaman dahulu. Ianya bagus, namun kalian tidak pelikkah kenapa tamadun tersebut musnah jua walaupun ianya sangat hebat? Dan yang paling penting sekali, apa yang telah kita pelajari daripada persitiwa tersebut? and if there is, what are the actions? NONE I tell you. Sebab kita suka bercerita besar inilah mungkin, sesetengah daripadanya tersalah anggap and take it the other way round.
3. Dan disebabkan perihal itulah, mereka merasakan kita ini hanya memperbesar-besarkan cerita. Mereka merasakan kita ini hanyalah mereka-reka cerita. Tidakpun, jadilah seperti kes Jasmine ini. Mengatakan Nabi Muhammad itu mereka-reka agama dan kita adalah golongan yang bodoh kerana mempercayainya.

Come on, just because of this all of you want to get mad and curse her? Let her be. That is between her and Allah. And you, instead of calling people that and that, it is better if you take care of your own shit first okay? Berhenti salahkan each other. Salahkan diri kau dahulu. Dan jangan sesekali salahkan orang lain. Mentaliti kita ini memang pelik, SALAHKAN ORANG LAIN DAHULU, BARULAH FIKIR AKAN KESALAHAN SENDIRI. You talk big as if you are the right one. In fact, you are the doomed. serius aku rasa macam berhadapan dengan kanak-kanak yang baru nak teroka buku ABC. ee, what is that? the way you behave made me sick. yang pastinya, bosan. sebab hal macam ini, kau nak kecoh. kau tengok apa yang sudah jadi pada ekonomi negara? politik negara jangan cakaplah. itu dah macam haram jadah apa pun aku tidak tahu. nak kata tidak pandai guna otak, masing-masing punya kelayakan tidak mahu kalah. most of them are overseas graduates. pelik kan?

And to you Jasmine, I don’t want to beg you to take all your shits that you’ve thrown on yourself. And I will not ask you to go on with that attitude or not. That is totally up to you. Even if you are an atheist or the one who practiced secularism or any other religion or believes that you believed, it is stated there to respect others belief. Yes, maybe you feel like we are a bunch of losers, but think back on yourself first okay? See, I told you that I’m not biased.

The truth is, I think there is somebody else hiding behind that Jasmine Slalu Hepi’s Facebook account. Akaun tersebut dibuat adalah untuk mencucuk Muslim yang sememangnya mudah terasa dan tersinggung BERLEBIH-LEBIHAN. Dan kemudiannya mengatakan bahawa seseorang itu tidak akan masuk syurga and bla bla bla. Tidak pula kalian berfikir sekiranya ‘dia’ adalah manusia yang betul-betul wujud dan kemudiannya bertaubat? Kita tidak akan tahu akan perihal tersebut bukan. But seriously, I don’t think that is an account made by the real person named Jasmine. It is just a scam.

I hope you'll understand how I really feel right now.

sejak semalam, kau menyepikan dirimu. sesepi-sepinya dari aku. aku sedar, bahawa aku hanya dianggap sebagai salah satu persinggahanmu. aku ingin sekali bebas daripada perasaan benci, perasaan yang kau alami pabila kau sudah mengalah dan keadaan itu diambil kesempatan oleh manusia yang mengatakan bahawa dia menyayangimu. namun, tiada daya dan usaha daripada diriku untuk melepaskanmu. tidak aku ketahui mengapa terjadinya begini. Ya, aku akui bahawa aku tidak berapa faham akan perihal dirimu. dan aku tidak faham kenapa aku sentiasa dipersalahkan setiap kali kita berselisih faham. namun, aku tidak salahkan kau. mungkin, sebenarnya, tiada siapa pun yang bersalah dalam hal ini.

Cemburu? Ya, aku cemburu. kau hendak tahu bagaimana caranya aku hendak sedapkan hati aku pabila aku ternampak kau berbual dengan wanita cantik yang lain? aku hanya melihat sama ada gambar nama aku yang kau ukir di pasir pantai itu masih wujud, ataupun sudah dipadamkan. namun, tahap kepuasannya tidak berapa memberangsangkan. sebab itulah kadang-kadang, aku tahu aku tersilap langkah dengan menyatakannya secara terus kepada kau. aku tahu, mungkin kau ada terfikir yang aku begitu paranoid. aku tahu kau tidak suka aku masuk ke dalam dunia kau. dunia kau yang keturunannya jauh beza daripada keturunan aku. dunia kau yang tinggi jurang perbezaannya dengan aku.

Apa? kau rasa aku memandang perkara ini terlalu serius? Ya, aku sudah tersilap langkah dengan memandangnya dengan begitu serius. hanya dengan kau, aku runtuhkan segala dinding ego yang konkrit itu kerana aku rasa kau layak untuk dipercayai. kaulah antara manusia yang aku benarkan untuk melihat keadaan  diri aku yang sebenar-benarnya. Ya, aku sedar kau mungkin menganggap tiada apa-apa sangat antara kita. kadangkala, aku juga ada berkata sedemikian kepada diri aku. namun, iya lah, mungkin aku tersalah baca dan salah dalam mengintrepretasikan cara kau melayan aku sehingga aku menganggap bahawa kau serius dengan aku. Ya, itu aku akui bahawa ianya kesalahan aku yang nyata. lagipun, bukankah remaja lelaki seusia kau hanya mahukan keseronokkan dalam mengejar perempuan? acapkali ayat tersebut berlegar-legar di minda aku. 

Mungkin aku terlalu memikirkannya, ya mungkin. mungkin kau berasa tidak selesa dengan cara pemikiran aku dan cara aku menyampaikan pemikiran aku. tetapi inilah aku. aku tidak berapa suka menyembunyikan apa yang aku rasa. aku akan cuba sampaikan secara terus apa yang aku rasa. cuma, mungkin cara yang aku gunakan kali ini agak tersembunyi. kadangkala, aku rasa perhubungan kita yang dahulu lebih baik. silap besar betul aku rasakan ketika aku bertanyakan kau tentang perasaan kau terhadapku, dan juga tentang status perhubungan kita. aku rasa, ketika itu aku hanya mahukan keadaan aku dan kau berada di dalam suatu fasa yang membuatkan aku rasa selamat. dalam kata lain, security. aku ingin memastikan perasaan aku kepada kau berbalas. aku tidak mahu kelihatan seperti aku terkejar-kejarkan kau. Ya, begitulah tingginya ego aku terhadap lelaki.

Dan kini, adakalanya aku merasakan bahawa aku telah mengongkong hidup kau. Ya, setiap masa aku berperasaan begini. aku sedar bahawa tiada perhubungan yang kekal selamanya. sekiranya mereka masih bersama pun di dalam suatu perhubungan itu, jika salah seorangnya mati, tetap kita katakan bahawa hubungan itu telah terputus secara lahiriahnya. begitulah perspektif aku dalam perhubungan kini. perlu kau ketahui juga bahawa aku bukanlah remaja wanita biasa yang manja dan pandai memikat hati lelaki. kawan lelaki aku hanya aku anggap sebagai kawan yang aku boleh ketawa besar dengan mereka, yang aku boleh bahan mereka sepedas-pedasnya. namun kau, tidak pernah aku anggap kau sedemikian. makam kau tinggi sedikit daripada kawan lelaki aku yang lain. aku hanya bermanja dengan kau bila aku mendapat kepastian(security) yang telah aku baitkan tadi di perenggan atas. kau perasan akan hal tersebut bukan? 

Aku tidak mungkin akan tahu apa yang kau fikirkan setelah kau membaca entri ini. mungkin juga kau tidak akan menghabisinya. tapi, ada satu perkara lagi yang ingin aku luahkan di sini. aku selalu, selalu sangat merasakan kau melayan semua wanita seperti kau melayan aku. dalam kata mudahnya, I don't feel special around you. that's it. Apa? kau rasa aku mengada? Ya, aku memang mengada. bukankah sudah aku katakan bahawa aku telah runtuhkan dinding konrit itu semata untuk kau. itu maknanya, kau adalah antara manusia yang sangat penting kepada aku. kau mungkin merasakan bahawa aku seorag pengecut yang tidak berani memberitahu kau perkara sebegini secara berdepan. namun, apakan daya, my hands works better than my mouth. dan aku juga dalam keadaan di mana, aku malas hendak bertekak dengan siapa-siapa. aku letih. aku letih dengan dunia. kerana itulah aku lebih suka untuk tidur. I live in a misery life right now. and I'll make sure I'm going to turn it around, so that I can be the real Aiman back. the Aiman that always smiles to life and expressing good aura.

Apa jua keputusan kau selepas ini, aku terima. I had it once, and I think I can get through it again. c'est la vie. 

Dunia Skema Fasa Pertama

Kenapa skema? 

kenapa tidak skema? 

kenapa ikut peraturan? 

kenapa langgar peraturan? 

Eh, salah buat begini. 

Eh, betul buat begini. 

EHH, banyak sangat eh. 

Ehh, biarlah banyak eh pun.

TYPICAL MALAYSIAN.

Situasi 1 : Dalam Kelas dan Bilik Tidur.

Bilik tidur : aku rasa berat badan sahaja nak bangun dari katil hari ini. ditambah pula dengan sakit bahu yang mencengkam kalbu. jadi, aku putuskan untuk sambung tidur sahaja dan kemudian bangun dan menghantar pesanan ringkas kepada salah seorang rakan sekelas aku. pesanan telah berjaya dihantar, aku terus sambung tidur sehinggalah jam 3.15 petang. Kenapa terbangun? sebab dah sampai masanya badan aku kena bangun. Biological Clock. jangan khabarkan pada aku yang korang tidak pernah dengar akan frasa ini? Alahai, apa nak jadi dengan manusia zaman sekarang. itulah korang, cikgu mengajar dalam kelas dahulu, korang main cintan, main wayang dalam kelas. inilah manusia, inilah manusia. 

Dalam kelas : (apa yang bermain di fikiranku semata) Oda tidak hadirkan diri ke kelas lagi. apa nak jadilah dengan dia ni? tahulah pandai dapat DL last sem, tapi janganlah suruh kitorang asyik tolong tandatangankan untuk kau. tidak bolehlah begini Oda. kitorang bukan tidak mahu tandatangankan kau, tetapi this is too much! kau kenalah belajar bertanggungjawab juga. jangan mahu hidup mudah sahaja. sebab aku sayangkan kau, aku tidak akan tandatangan untuk kau. lalu, mereka pun membalas pesanan ringkas aku tadi yang aku dapat pada jam 5.30 petang. Line Celcom buat hal hari ini. Cis.

btw, lebih kurang beginilah ayat yang aku dapat dalam pesanan ringkas tersebut. agak makan dalam bukan? tetapi, ada betulnya juga kata-kata si dia ini. namun, mari sini ingin aku khabarkan sesuatu. betul cakap kau dengan tidak menandatangani untuk aku, kau membantu aku supaya lebih bertanggungjawab. tetapi adakah kau sendiri sudah cukup bertanggungjawab untuk memberitahu seseorang itu bahawa dia perlu bertanggungjawab? sila jawab soalan aku. apa yang telah kau lakukan untuk meningkatkan tahap penggunaan bahasa asing kau? banyak sudah buku yang kau baca? banyak sudah wayang yang kau tengok? banyak sudah kau cuba bercakap dalam bahasa tersebut? tidak bukan. setiap kali kelas bahasa asing, pasti aku akan menjadi rujukanmu bukan? aku membantu dengan rasa aku mahu menimbulkan minat kau terhadap bahasa ini. dan penerimaan kau juga amat baik. jadi, aku sebenarnya sangat ikhlas membantu kau. tetapi, hanya perkara sekecil ini yang aku minta tolong, kau sudah rasakan bahawa aku tidak bertanggungjawab. bertanggungjawab itu bukan hanya perlu datang ke kelas untuk belajar.dan aku rasa, kita diberi pilihan untuk belajar di dalam kelas ataupun belajar sendiri. that is included in our effort section.

jadi, pada fikiran aku, aku memang bersalah dalam hal ini kerana tidak menghadirkan diri ke kelas. dan aku tidak salahkan kau atas tindakan kau yang ingin memberi pengajaran kepada aku itu. aku faham dan dapat menerima tindakan kau tersebut. malah, dalam ajaran Islam juga ada dikatakan bahawa kawan yang baik dan sejati, mereka akan mendorong rakan-rakan mereka ke landasan yang lurus. dan tidak menyokong perbuatan sialan mereka. namun, pantulkan kembali ayat tadi kepada diri kau. adakah kau sudah cukup berusaha dan bertanggungjawab dalam memperbaiki dirimu? tidak bukan? aku bukan mahu menghentam kau di sini. percayalah kawan. aku hanya menyampaikan rasa terkilan sedikit ini dan aku coretkannya di dalam blog ini. harap kau pula tidak makan dalam. 

Perangai Macam Sialan 1

Situasi 1 :


Kau sedang duduk bersama-sama kawan-kawan kau, bersuka ria dan bergelak ketawa di mana tiba-tiba pakwe-dia-yang-tidak-kami-approve-itu-disebabkan-mulutnya-yang-lancang-mengutuk-dan-menyalahkan-kau-setiap-masa-itu datang dan lepak bersama-sama korang. apakah perasaan anda? lebih membakar perasaan apabila kau sendiri terdengar pacal yang hina itu berkata kau kalah main game dengan kawan kau itu sebab salah kau. What the heck man ?? memangla kau bergurau tapi beragak la juga. kau memang dasar tidak sayang mulut.



Tidak Sayang Mulut

Apa yang ingin aku kupaskan di sini adalah mengenai sekelompok manusia yang tak berapa reti nak jaga mulut. memang dasar kemanusiaan ada berkata bahawa kita bebas menyatakan pendapat dan pandangan. dan juga bebas untuk bersuara. namun, dalam ajaran agama Islam juga ada dituntut untuk berkata hanya perkataan yang elok-elok, yang menyenangkan hati orang lain. kalau tidak menyenangkan pun tidak apa, janji tidak menyusahkan atau dalam kata kasarnya, menyakitkan hati. kau hanya mahu menjaga perasaan awek kau, dan kau lanyak perasaan kawan-kawannya sesuka hati. what the hell ? answer me, WHAT THE HELL.

*aku rasa macam hendak sumbatkan kaki aku dalam mulut kau macam ini.this is for you

kau tidak perlu hendak tunjuk baik sangatlah konon si  mulut manis depan awek kau. instead of that, kau bahan kawan-kawan dia yang rupa semuanya macam bidadari kayangan. kalau kau memang dah kawan lama dengan kitorang tidak apalah juga hendak mengadakan sesi bahan-membahan. ini tidak, kau sesedap rasa jiwa dan raga mahu menyepak terajang hati kami. hah jawablah wahai sweet talker sekalian. kenapa kau rasa aku sebagai wanita agak kurang ajar untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata sedemikian? habis kau, sebagai lelaki sepatutnya lebih memahami wanita dan bercakap dengan bertatatertib dengan mereka. jangan harap aku akan sokong lelaki jika mereka yang bersalah dalam hal ini.

Jadi, untuk membuatkan kau disukai dan disenangi rakan-rakan awek kau, kau perlulah mengambil hati kitorang sekali. ini kerana, dahlah awek kau pun tidak berapa selesa dengan kau, kau pulak macam hendak cari pasal dengan kitorang. just wait and see what will happen next. aku bukan nak cakap apa, dan aku bukan nak menyumpah hidup kau. kau hanya perlu fikir satu benda itu dari pelbagai sudut. bak kata abah aku, the more we concern on what other thinks (positive way), the more you'll understand the world. okay, ini bukanlah ayat abah aku yang asli. ini ayat yang telah diolah semula oleh aku. tapi masih mempunyai nilai dan moral yang sama. as long as all of you get the point, that's good enough for me.




kata akhir pendita : ini hanyalah satu situasi ciptaan semata-mata. harap manusia di luar sana yang berperangai sebegini akan terasa. itulah motif aku.

Kenapa Kuning?

masin air di lautan, adakah sama dengan rasa pasir? sudah tentu tidak. tidak percaya kenapa aku cakap tidak? korang rasalah sendiri pasir itu macam mana. air laut, mustahil kita rakyat Malaysia yang hidupnya harmoni ini tidak pernah merasa mandi di pantai bukan? Jadi, kalian buatlah pertimbangan sendiri. jika ada yang tidak bersetuju dengan hujah aku ini, please remain calm. aku tidak perlukan perbalahan di blog aku yang seaman PERGOLAKAN dunia politik di Malaysia. tak faham lagi? itulah motif aku.


berbalik kepada persoalan yang sengaja aku timbulkan. almaklum sahaja, blog baru. kenalah berusaha lebih sikit untuk mendapat nama di ruangan awam. oopps.tidak2, aku dah terlari daripada niat asal ni. *tarik nafas


Original Mode

aku tak faham kenapa orang begitu despite warna kuning ini. asal aku sebut warna kegemaran aku saja, mesti ada yang berkata "eww, kuningg?? Loser gila"
EWAHH, kau lah LOSER sebab tak minat kuning ! kan dah kena marah di situ.

btw, aku bukanlah mak nenek.harap maklum.


kembali kepada entri aku tadi, ramai yang bertanya kenapa kuning? I won't say those typical words anymore. used to say it once, in my old blog and still using it in  my daily life. why not in this blog? HELLO, mestilah nak kena jaga standard. biar kita jadi bizarre sikit daripada yang lain. barulah rare. someone told me this. jadi, aku minat kuning sebab warna tersebut yang menrik aku untuk meminatinya. jawapan yang asing bukan? tapi, itulah sebenarnya antara sebab aku minat akan warna kuning.

kedua, bila aku ternampak akan warna kuning, hati aku akan berdegup dengan sangat pantas secara tiba-tiba. tidak diketahui sebabnya mengapa. aku sendiri pun masih tertanya-tanya kenapa secara tiba-tiba ianya berubah ke warna kuning. mungkin aku sedang dilamun cinta pada waktu tersebut agaknya. aww.

bagi korang mungkin warna kuning bukan warna cinta korang. but some people might. eh sekejap, apasal dah masuk bab cinta pulak ni? tak boleh, tak boleh. kena keluar dari topik cinta ni. topik cinta akan dikupas oleh aku dalam entri yang lain-lain. bukan di sini.

jadi, sebab sebenar-benarnya aku meminati warna kuning adalah kerana aku sendiri tidak ketahui kenapa aku minat akan warna tersebut. bukankah ada orang pernah berkata bahawa sekiranya kita meminati seseorang atau sesuatu itu tanpa sebab, itu tandanya kita betul-betul boleh menerima kelebihan dan keburukan seseorang atau sesuatu yang kita minati itu.





Jangan kau menagih kefahaman ketika usai membaca entri aku. bacalah dengan kadar berkadaran agar tiada sebarang tanggapan dari akal warasmu.

Sekian.

Selamat Datang

pagi beranjak ke petang.
petang beranjak ke malam.
malam beranjak ke siang.
siang beranjak ke tengah hari.


setelah sebulan lebih aku menyembunyikan blog pertama, inilah keputusan drastik aku untuk membuka satu lagi akaun baru yang langsung tiada kaitan dengan nama betulku. Oda Narwida, hanyalah nama sandaran seorang penulis jalanan (aku le tuu) yang tidak menginginkan sebarang kredit hatta duit. tetapi sekiranya ada yang sudi melemparkan gulungan duit kertas bernot RM50, siapa yang tidak akan mengambil dan menjadikannya sebagai aset personal? itulah resam manusia. Di mana ada gula, di situ adanya semut.


Jangan sesekali korang menganggap kewujudan blog aku adalah untuk mengecap nama semata, kerana itu bukanlah niatku. hanya untuk mengeluarkan pendapat dan dianggap anonymous. bukankah begitu lebih baik daripada dihentam manusia-manusia durjana ini sekiranya tersalah bicara? dasar manusia, cepat sahaja memberikan spekulasi tentang diri manusia yang lainnya sekiranya mereka berlainan sedikit daripada diri mereka yang digelar normal itu. normal kejadah, everyone is rather unique.


btw, jangan kata kat aku yang korang expect first entry aku bernada ceria. tiada bukan? kann??
ehem. berehat sebentar. aku mahu membetulkan nadaku.


mata aku masih lagi kelihatan coretan-coretan hitam, bekas aku bermekap pagi tadi. malas nak mencuci. aku bukanlah gadis yang paranoid akan perkara-perkara sebegini. aku tahu akan kesannya sekira kita lambat mencuci mekap, namun apakan ada. sifat pemalas tidak sengaja tertanam dalam diri aku ini membuatkan seluruh saraf aku berhenti daripada melakukan pekerjaan yang sepatutnya. seperti contoh ; aku sepatutnya menyiapkan assignment article review yang perlu dihantar rabu hadapan. instead of that, aku boleh membuka akaun baru dan membuat blog baru dan sedang menulis review pertama untuk korang baca. how selfish I am. itulah manusia.


cara membaca entri-entri aku senang sahaja. kalian jangan terlalu serius ketika membacanya, kerana kadangkala satu poin pun tiada aku utarakan di dalam blog ini. sometimes, it would be just a bunch of crap. tetapi, itulah kenyataan dunia blogging. no one knows it for sure. but everyone could say anything you want to. either to be hated or to be loved in the future. I really hope you won't be hating me because I know I'm not going to write on weird, hard issues unless I've studied for it. heyy, sometimes we've gotta take the dangerous route rather than the safest one. that would make the upside-down of our lives.


I guess, thats all for today. jangan bertanyakan identiti aku. let it remains as a blog-world secret ;)