IT'S A ROUND THING

I'm still recovering from my trauma towards loaning money from best friends. Never will I forget what she had said to me.

WISHING UPON AN OCCUPYING

The drum keeps rolling, the hands keep shaking, the head keeps spinning, the mouth keeps watering, the eyes are fading, the muscles burdened with stress, the neck is getting a rest, the heartbeat feels the cold, the body is having a cold, she feels the dark side of her is conquering and torturing her. The dark seems stronger than before. Wonder where the hell it went wrong.

The best mate she thought was hers is not really hers. She thinks that the best mate is only taking advantages on her. Yes, she is bright, talented and active. She shows naïve-ness just to keep people shut their mouth. She shows something that ain’t her at all. She’s splitting everywhere. She has not yet found her true self. She knows that.

She’s always high when she didn’t occupy the spaces that needed to be occupied. The eyes are closing again. It’s too heavy. No, no, no, she’s not on drugs, alcohol or smoke. She’s hungry.

Questioning Myself; Answering Them, Then Questioning Again

What I wanted to be? about me

What should I be?  about my parents

What am I going to be?  about what I decided

Three simple questions that running into my mind when I’m questioning which way should I follow or go through. First question; what I really wanted to be is a 100% differs from what my parents want me to be, which is directly explained the second question. And for the third question; just simply what I will choose in order to satisfy both sides; mine and my parents/family/society.

I wanted a lot of things that most of it completely against my parents’ wishes, which they said it is what the religion told us. At the same time, they wanted me to be everything and all the things that they said had been told to do in my religion. Yes, they are religious persons and a bit conservative for me, who now had changed more towards liberalization. To make it more complicated, they also wanted me to do things in my own way, while following the path. What if some of things that I wanted to do does not follow that path? Now here, the first question and the second question are having a conflict. Things I wanted to do vs things I should do. Then, what will I choose?

I know one of the reasons I’m pretty much whining recently is because I’m too tired of fulfilling both needs and wants. In front of my parents, I will do all things according to their ways. But whenever I’m not with them, I’ll be doing things I’ve always wanted to do. The problems and tiring feelings are there because I never stop questioning myself whether I’m doing the right things or am I doing it else way. Hard questions always popped into my head and made me think and think, non-stop.

When I don’t fulfill my wants, I’ll feel like I’m not being true enough to myself, feels like I’m abandoning the inner me, feels like I’m such a hypocrite, not real enough, not being me. But then, when I don’t fulfill my parents’ wants, I feel like I’m being an ungrateful child. Like I’m devastating them with my delinquent acts, like I’m the most bad-good-for-nothing-child. Like I don’t deserve them at all.

And whenever I’m trying to answer by doing some action regarding my answer towards the third question, I’ll be questioning myself with the first and second question all over again. See how tired I am? I’ve try to stop on thinking for a while, but it didn’t work out for me. I’m thinking every single moment that I’m awake. If there is pen and paper, I’ll jot it down immediately. If my laptop is on, I’ll write it down on words or notes quickly before the idea lose. Friends often called as crazy, weird and unpredictable. And yes sometimes, even I’m confused with myself. Then I’ll Istighfar.

THE INFERIOR; THE HOW TO CHILL IT

Nothing hurts me more than you’re admiring or worship another woman, even though its just a celebrity crush. Yeah, I’m no beauty like them, I’m no hot like them, and I’m no graceful like them. Name all the boys’ traits, I got ‘em all. And I always feel and think that I would never suit a man. EVER, see how low-self-esteem I am? I know right.

Agh, don’t flatter me by saying, you’re beautiful enough, you’re okay looking like this, you just look perfect like this bla bla bla . . . I don’t wanna hear any of that. In fact, by saying or going with the flow with what I’m feeling might be a better options, cause we often laugh at it and suddenly it hit us that says, “Hey girl, you are worth enough for yourselves and important people in your life”. Those flattering flatter words don’t work with me. LOL. Better make me laugh as I love laughing. 

I THINK I'M INSANE-OUT-OF-MY-MIND

We are celebrating Ramadhan every single year, even when we're still a child. We know that since we were little. We ate good foods every single day and we were having the same meals on Ramadhan. People always cared for the situations happening rather than really indulge themselves and find the real meaning of what Ramdhan is. I'll list down things that are always been associated with Ramadhan;

1. LOTS OF FOODS ON TABLE
2. DRINKS
3. BAZAAR
4. TIRED
5. EXHAUSTED
6. HUNGRY
7. FAMILY

I dont get this. Suddenly, everyone is soo hungry. Suddenly, everyone really wanted to eat this. Suddenly, everything is just suddenly during this month. I'm not saying that we shouldn't celebrate it, we should. but the way all of us celebrate it here is just sooo I cant even find the right words or term to describe it. Its like too suffocating to me. We care more on what to eat than things that we should really do or grab during this month. 

They said we should grab the opportunities to pray for our sins forgiven because its a special month for us. Why craving for food instead you should be craving for Allah's forgiveness? I'm no saint here, but I think of it like that now. 

I MIGHT BE BANNED

There have been a lot of article about women shouldn't be putting picture that have their face on it on their facebook profile. Let's keep short and simple here;


I WOULD NEVER BUY THAT SHIT HA HA HA HAH


OH please, you didn't make just one of your picture as a default, but still you got tonnes of albums of your fucking face in there. Tell me again what is the hukum of that? Oh, NO PARTICULAR HUKUM ON THAT? I think that should be the same. As long as it is a picture. Then again, whomever had invented pictures, photography, all those shits must have been bearing a lot of sins as everyone is showing off their faces every single day. Blame them everyone. They're the one who makes us making sins every single day now.


 You're great in making things weirder every single days.

MY DREAM WEDDING PARTY OR CELEBRATION OR SWASHBUCKLE?

Just now I watched Love Actually and there’s a wedding scene, where the married couple had been entertained by a friend’s group or band, singing and playing instruments on their way out of the aisle. And I was like, THAT IS SOOOOOO COOOLL! I think I wanted to have a private marriage party, where it is only for friends, the open-minded one and there would be dancing, and singing, jamming session if you want it too. I’ll just make it as natural as possible, like the time we used to hang out with each other and nothing formal at all. It’ll just be a celebration party between closest friends, and I want it to be ordinary, yet special and memorable enough to be remembered. It will be really private, not even one of my family members should know about it. LOL. Maybe I’ll just invite Sury along, cause she can handle this situations. She’s my best cousin after all.

What am I gonna wear? I think I should throw on something chic, simple yet and shows a bit of rocks element, cause I always love rocks style. Yes! Of course a craazzayy hair. I’ll make a crazy hair that day and I really hope that my husband will be okay with this. I hope he’s fine with this kind of celebration party. Oh I forgot about what he’s going to wear. Hem, that would be up to him what he’s going to wear. It’s his body, and this is an informal party, so I don’t think I should bother with anything he’ll throw on. Wait, I’m not finish yet on what I’m gonna wear. The shoes, I’ll wear maybe either heels or flats. These were my options. We’ll see what my mood is likely to be.

The room for the party would be in a dark situation, dark decorations, and I saw some red, pink, green and yellow being splash here and there, what a great feelings when you actually imagining things the way you wanted it to be. There must be a disco ball, disco lighting as well. Why? Aaa, you didn’t think it match with the theme? I like ’em. So, I think I should put them too.

Oh I’m too lazy to think about the food. Hey, we could order a delivery! YES! Everything would be perfect. No stress about where to put the food, since I’ll be making it self-service. Only much better and more friendly. The hang out theme for my party idea was brilliant. I know it is! No awkward situation. Whew, I always hated that. We’re friends. Friends don’t need a formal occasion to be put together. That is just basically my point of view on personal friend’s codes.